2:52 PM, Wednesday, March 14, 2018
This is an honest journal entry, and I’m typing it because its easier to just write without the achy wrist or having to try to write neatly or worry about that. Ok, so its no secret ive not been in the best mood lately, why is it so hard for me to just admit that, to myself, God, and someone else? I have no idea, but the important thing is that I am doing it here and now. Writing to get this all out, to see if it works, because I am having a difficult time getting out of this funk I’ve been in, that’s been continuing. I start to wonder am I depressed? Is the enemy doing spiritual warfare? Am I complacent? Do I need to do more work? Is it because I haven’t finished my 5th step? Am I in relapse mode? Yes, I do think a lot but even I have to admit all the questioning myself is getting old lately. Not just myself, but questioning everything, still, didn’t I just talk about this a couple weeks ago with Daniel at therapy? With all this thinking I’ve been doing, all this wanting more but not doing anything about it, praying but not doing the footwork, thinking of what I want and being to scared to continue the process to do it. Where does God come in? what am I supposed to do? Well, like any problem, the first step is admitting to myself there is a problem, which I am doing here, now, the second step is coming to believe that God can restore me to sanity, because this is clearly not sane behavior. Step 3, turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.
Dear Lord, thank you for giving me another day of life, thank you for your love, for your guidance and direction, even when I feel like I am a mess and thoughts go round and round in my head, you know what’s going to happen next. You know everything about me and everything I’ve done and will do my entire life, every decision, every event, everything and you love me and are with me always, no matter what. Thank you for guiding me to write this all down which brings me back to trusting you, yes! That’s what’s been missing I haven’t been trusting you Lord, you are so amazing and I love how you work and that even when I feel far away from you its never been because you walk away, its me who drifts away. I’ve been focusing on so many things that aren’t mine to focus on, things that aren’t as big as I make them out to be in my mind. I haven’t been keeping my side of the street clean and have been focusing on everyone else’s street, not wanting to deal with what’s going on with me, classic behavior. How could I not trust you when its so obvious that you are in charge of everything. I don’t come up with the idea to journal, you do, you knew if I wrote on my laptop all of this would come out. I didn’t, so why trust myself? I have no idea how to do life, but you Lord know your plan for me and the path you want me to follow.
I put my life in your hands Lord when I rededicated myself and my life to you. I meant it that day and I mean it today, I trust you Lord, I trust that with you all things are possible. I trust you that you have a purpose for my life and a purpose for the pain I’ve felt. I trust that I am on a journey and that you will never leave my side, that no matter what you will not forsake me. I trust that you have been here with me each day of my life waiting for me to come to you, I am here Lord and put my life in your hands. Thank you for your perfect love and mercy.
I love you Lord
Love,
Brittany
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