I promised. And.....thiiings in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

I promised to write more, and lately I have failed that and for that I am deeply sorry. I suppose it is just one of those things that I just never could manage to find words again. I get sooooo tired and fed up with my mothers shit and that kills any energy I have. Which sucks but, so be it. So, anyway fuck it write write time.

So let’s start with the big zinger. Jassmine and I are not going to look at a romantic future, but we intend to stay friends. She just doesn’t feel that way about me. Which, bummer, and it does hurt, however, I am okay with her and I being friends. I would prefer to have her around as a friend than not at all. I gotta be honest, I have hardly been sober since we talked about it. And we haven’t really talked much after talking about it. I think we both need to get a little space for a little bit. I am not sure if I am more upset that I feel like I lost her or that now I don’t know what to do. The goal was to move up there, be closer, start fresh, see how things go between us. So without that it is almost like my motivation has died. I was so ready to get on the fast track to get out of here after realizing how I truly dread being around this so called family. Do I move closer regardless just to get away from this and have a shot at at least knowing someone where I move to.
Honestly I haven’t been truly sober for an extended period of time since. I know it isn’t great. But the night of the talk I just needed out and contacted a friend and spent like 2 days on a drug and alcohol fueled blitz. Kept my mind away from the hurt, and how everything planned could be changing drastically. But like I said I would rather her around as a friend rather than not at all. I Have a lot of thinking to do. I need to refind myself and figure out what exactly it is I want to do.

It doesn’t help I have my mother being crazy as shit. My patience is gone. My motivation is gone. My heart hurts and I am exhausted. I go to the beach next week so maybe a week away to relax will reinvigorate me.

Feel free to message me. I could use some healthy discussion.