I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Of course that has to do greatly with losing my mom last summer. But it also has to do with having some chest pains (that turned out to be indigestion). The older I get, however, the closer death seems - naturally. That used to sort of freak me out. I had this feeling like somebody on a well-oiled slide. I wanted to scratch and pull and scrape and try to keep from sliding down but the inevitable was happening. Now I feel differently.
When I go it is most important to me for my family to know that I have no problem with it. I have been blessed in many ways. There are so many terrible things happening to people around the world and people right here in this country that have never happened to me. It would be nice to go before something terrible DID happen ;-) (Always an optimist ;-)) Also, I have been blessed with amazing and wonderful kids and grandkids who have brought me immense joy and satisfaction as well as a husband who has been more than just a companion, friend and lover. Our relationship is past description in spite of how difficult I can be.
There are dreams I haven't achieved, but I have sort of settled that in my heart. I am done with striving I think. I have moved into contentment. Maybe it's hormones (or lack thereof) but I just don't have drive (or energy) anymore. Maybe it's depression... I'm not quite sure, but I don't have a lot of life in me.
Still, I'm not sad and don't feel particularly depressed. I just feel, well... contented. Like this is good enough. I don't want to want more. I don't want to risk more. I just want to enjoy what I have. Is that giving up or is that maturing. I'm not quite sure. Or is it a bit of both.
You can't have everything you want in this life. You can't even have a whole bunch of it. So many people can't even have a taste of it. How can I feel upset about things I haven't had or done when I have really had and done so much. There are women my age who haven't been out of the county let alone the state. I've even been out of the country! There are folks my age out in the street begging for money... women who look as if they once held decent jobs before the economy trunked. I'm going home tonight to a warm inviting condo, albeit small. I could go out to eat in a cozy restaurant if I wanted to. I can sit around and watch TV curled up on a warm couch with a loving husband then sleep in a soft warm bed. Can I really whine that I can't afford to fly to Florida or spend the cold winters in a tropical paradise or retire at an early age or buy stuff I want or stay home tomorrow when it drops to six degrees???
That would be foolish and selfish and so ungrateful of me. And as far as not accomplishing some of the personal goals I had hoped to accomplish, well... I guess I've got nobody to blame but myself and I just can't seem to get myself to rise to the energy level of accomplishing them. Maybe soon. We'll see.
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