Whenever I think of doing that, I understand that with my methods such an action would not be an attempt. Something in me is sickened by this acknowledgement of my efficiency including regards to these matters. Something else is proud.
Most of me recoils from it. Not out of a fear of death. I’m not afraid to die, to be quite honest. I’m only scared of the pain since every nerve in my body seems to overreact to that. Whether that’s sensory processing issues or undiagnosed fibromyalgia I’m not sure. Apparently a lot of people, if not all but me, fear the possibility that lies beyond passing away. I might have held this same fear once. If so, it’s been so long I’ve forgotten.
The subject of the afterlife is neither comforting nor disconcerting to me. It simply is. When you die, your body withers away and you yourself continue on to whatever you’re meant to do or be next. That’s what I know. So to me, death is not an escape from existence but rather acknowledged as a momentary reprieve from issues of a human origin alone. In the end what you must do will not escape you until your role is fulfilled, no matter how many times you die. Without a good purpose, it is pointless and only elongates your suffering.
However I do… Fear is not the right word, but for lack of better thought process right now, I fear the thought of what might go on without me now. The thing keeping me tethered to this world is others, for again, I do not fear what awaits me upon death. The thing that keeps me away from that journey is wanting to be here for others, let myself help them with what their purpose in life here is and let them help me with mine. I don’t want them to hurt or be sad or do anything risky just because I went away.
I live on to avoid the pain before release and to avoid the pain which would follow after it in other’s hearts. It gets both harder and easier to keep my impulses at bay with each passing year I grow older. It’s getting easier because I see more and more how much people value my light and how I have worth to them all. It’s getting harder because I can see my light flickering and fading out rapidly now, which makes me question if I even had it at all, or if I only thought I did. What would I be able to do without my light to have worth to and guide others? I am afraid of the answer to that question.
I don’t want that to happen.
I need to find sparks to my light soon.
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