Really bad week. It started off with some stupid D&D drama that really upset me. One of our players is ‘a lovable idiot’ who I mostly find to just be an idiot. He’s one of those people who likes to lecture ‘well, actually....’ with his Very Strong Opinions about everything - and he’s really, really dumb. It’s a terrible combination. Usually I can find the humor in people I don’t like and remain patient, but I’ve been more and more snappy with him. I was a bit too snappy with him last week and I should probably apologize - but at the same time, I’m so DONE pretending to be interested/naive/apologetic to vulgar idiots. While I was mulling this over, he did some truly horrible shit that turned my annoyance into rage, which is really what I’ve been upset about. I don’t have the energy to go into that right now. I’ll probably have to kick him out of our group or just quit D&D. I should just quit D&D but I hate to let him ‘win’ in that way.
So, I was stress-lazy for a couple of days as a result, only getting about half of my work done each day. Today, I was feeling better and motivated to catch-up, but then I had an actual serious problem with sewing - something that will cost $75 and 2 weeks (thankfully two weeks of waiting, not sewing) to fix. The client’s event is in April so it should be okay, but…god damn it, this feels bad. I never make mistakes like this. This isn’t Padme-in-January bad, but it’s in my top 5 worst mistakes ever (for clients.)
Why am I sewing so badly in 2018? It must be all of the extra work I’m taking on that is distracting me and stressing me out, I guess. :( It’s almost like the law of conservation of energy. I might be coding better, and making some progress writing…but it comes out of my sewing, or my relationship. Why can’t I just…do better, without having to give something up?
I’m feeling really frustrated and defeated right now. I can feel emotion and panic and tears welling up, so I know I’m still having a visceral reaction to the sewing mistake. I just need to drink a bunch of hot water and go to bed early and eat healthy tomorrow and try again. But tomorrow is D&D which I am dreading. I would just cancel if it weren’t for the drama last week - I don’t want the group to think I’m afraid to face them or something. That’s such a stupid sentiment, but, oh well. It’s mine.
I don’t have a plan for making March better. It feels hopeless right now. March, please fix yourself. I’m too tired and sad.
(this whole entry could be a public service announcement warning against late night posting.)
Edit after laying in bed staring at the wall for 30 minutes: I cancelled D&D and already feel slightly better because I have gained a day back to try to catch-up again. Also, I have to wonder if having a super awful day today is related to losing my restful Sunday (my only day off) to a stressful social gathering. The Oscars party was fine but being around other people is exhaustingly performative for me.
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