Hi Brother,
I know. It’s late. Or rather, it’s early. I can’t sleep. It’s just one of those nights. I want to be asleep but I just can’t. My racing thoughts won’t leave me alone. There’s no way I can get rid of them. I can’t play my music and I’m too tired to go for a walk. If I were with you, you’d probably set up Call of Duty for me, or even stay up to play Mario with me.
I wish you were here. I really miss you a lot. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. Knowing that you’re so far away makes things so hard for me. Without you here it’s like a part of me is missing. All rational thoughts leave my head. You made me feel important and loved. You cared about me when I thought nobody did. I love you. I cry thinking about all the times we had because they were some of my happiest memories.
I remember being scared of the dark. The flashing light of the smoke alarm would keep me up at night. I thought someone was going to kill me. You were living upstairs at the time and I had the basement room next to the parent’s office. I would sneak from my room to go sleep on the floor in your room, even though the parents didn’t like it. Then again it was mostly the Asshole who didn’t want us to be close. You weren’t scared of anything. You went to so many lengths to protect me. You fought for me and encouraged me, all while still being there for the babies. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me. I know it wasn’t your fault. You had no other way to deal with the pressure and stress and in all honesty I blame the parents. They drove you away. They decided that you were not worth their time and neglected you. They refused to love you and blamed you for everything. I did everything I could to defend you, but they never listened to me! Maybe I could’ve stopped them if I had visited more often. Maybe if I was there you wouldn’t have chosen to do the things you did. Maybe you would have turned to me for support instead. But they drove you away, let you suffer and then kicked you out like it was your fault! I can never forgive them for that! I can’t blame you for coping in the only way you knew how. Hell sometimes I even joined you. I’d wait for you until 1:00 am just to spend as much time as I could with you. They tore us away from each other, tore you away from the babies. You were the closest thing to a father they had. And She claims that she is sorry, but I don’t believe her honestly. If she truly loved you, she would’ve intervened and tried to help you.
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time but I never knew how to express it. These feelings keep me up at night. I think about how I could’ve helped or changed the outcome. But I always realize it’s too late to do anything.
Anyways, I’m still not tired. Maybe I’ll do some coloring until I can sleep. I promise I’ll get some rest. I don’t have classes tomorrow/today anyways so I’ll sleep then. I hope you’re doing okay. Be safe and know that I love you. You will always be in my heart. I love you Brother.
Love, Lil Sis
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