First Timer in First Entry

This is my first entry … I have been trying to find a way for a while to write down some of the thoughts and feelings that I have on a daily basis and at least of no one else reads it i still have it to look back on if i wish.
I’ve had a stressful day, Faith woke me up at 2am wanting food, then Lilly a few times after until i eventually gave up and got up at 5.30am. i can barely keep my eyes open all day i feel like im drifting on a cloud unable to focus on what needs to be done. it doesn’t help that im left alone to get on with it with no help from the other half, being forced to use every ounce of energy i have to keep everything together and make sure all the jobs are done and the children are taken care of … no after thought for me … as usual.
why do i need someone to console me when i have no desire for human emotion? i have no desire to communicate or socialise or get close to anyone … yet there is still an emptiness surrounding me that i have contact with now and then … its almost as if having the children has made me ‘need’ when i do not want … such conflicting emotions, its a shame i cannot become fully Vulcan and purge the human side of me altogether … maybe when the girls are older ill consider it.
It’s only recently in the last few years that my personality has changed … i went from a strange child to an over emotional wreck that was teenage to a depressed and suicidal young adult back to a robot … finally i can be myself and be ‘comfortable’ in my skin if there is such a thing … so many human expressions to explain every single electric pulse in the body why do people have such a desire to quantify and reason with every spec on the universal map? why can we just be happy going about our daily lives keeping a nice routine and not having to be forced to smile or say hello to everyone we cross?? so primitive .......