Nostalgia in Wondering Woman

Sometimes when I start to feel overwhelmed or just down in general, I’ll take walks in places that hold memories from my past. Today, being one of those days, I decided to take a walk through my old university campus. It was a beautiful, warm fall day and it reminded of when I first moved on campus 10 years ago. Today it was quiet, not too many students walking about. I walked by the old dormitory I used to live in. Random memories popped in my mind- like the end window that belonged to someone I crushed on and was briefly involved with, picnic tables I studied on on a nice day out....

…Speaking of old memories, I’m gonna switch the subject here a bit, because this past week I was constantly full of them. I don’t know if it was because I went through quite a few changes within the past 2 weeks and/or combined with other personal situations, but fuck, last week was one of the most depressed I had been in a long time. Anxiety coupled with a depressive mood brought about all sorts of nostalgia to my mind. 

It’s funny how some event or point in your life you dismiss or take for granted at the time comes back to your mind years later and only then you realize the value in it. I noticed that I began to really miss things that I took for granted. In retrospect, I think it was a looming fear of failing and uncertainty bringing this on.  Uncertain future, settling into new surroundings, anxieties- financially, career, relationships… Just constant fear looming in my mind. And like a tree growing branches off of branches, negativity breeds more negativity. Memories of the past started flowing through my mind, caused all kinds of emotions to hit me. 

Time really fucking flies. That is one of the scariest concepts I’ve had to come to terms with. The fact that I have a finite amount of time to live, like sand flow through an hourglass. I know I’m only gonna be 32, but walking by the college and seeing students at least 10 years younger than me, remembering being one of them… thinking what have I learned since then, what I’ve gone through since then, to what the hell am I doing now?

Thoughts of yearning for the past to thoughts of future’s anxieties… I guess I will close this out by reminding myself that right now, in this moment, I’m OK. That’s all I know. That’s all I should focus on tonight. For all that I worry and stress about, at this moment… I’m okay.

Last updated October 23, 2017