Dear Robert,
Gratitude is too small a word. This one small expression holds much.
In my gratitude is held the many times you have reached out and held my hand when I was in pain, and you saw me. It holds the knowing in those moments that over so many years, there are many hands you must have held, and helped to heal, and helped to grow.
In my gratitude is held the deep seeing in your eyes, reflected in my eyes, reflected in your eyes, that continues to teach me my connectedness with the whole, and therefore my worth. Which is somehow, bafflingly, so doubtable in this mind, when in truth, it is immeasurable and unnameable.
In this gratitude is held the recognition of the intention with which this teacher makes himself and the lessons of his own journey available to so many fellow beings.
And blessedly, that he does so with humor, humility, honesty, kindness, and not taking things too damn seriously. I’m grateful to know and learn from this teacher, who is present and willing to be with fellow creatures in pain and suffering, who are longing to learn how to practice this gift, this beauty, this exquisite tool of the dharma which helps us to understand: there is a doorway through our suffering into awareness. There is a doorway into a bigger knowing of the light that we are. And we can walk through that doorway. This moment. And this one. And this one.
In this one word, “gratitude,” is held my own heart, tender and vulnerable, imperfect and seeking. Gratitude calms this mind, which often fears this heart is never going to be enough. This tender heart has swelled over with gratitude, which has often spilled out of these eyes in the form of many tears, often when moved by the loving-kindness and acceptance that has shown up as this being, this teacher, Robert, walking around, “god in drag.” As we each are. And as we each can learn and choose to show up for one another. Also in that swollen heart is gratitude for this teacher being imperfect, and so full of compassion for his imperfect humanness, as well as my own. For each of us, for all of us. You are helping me to learn “it’s like this.” “Ya fattah!”
In my gratitude is held the awe that still comes to me from time to time since I have first met our beautiful community. I am in awe and so grateful that we are all here for the same reason: we want to wake up. Each person, imperfections and unskillful strategies, pain and brokenness and heavy conditionings, joyful-hearts and eyes alight, sharing insights and observations, celebrations and mournings, missteps and lessons, we each are here with you, Robert, because we want to grow together in community–communion–and you have helped facilitate a space for us to learn and grow and do just that. To be that. To help us see ourselves and one another as we truly are. What a gift. Gratitude is too small a word.
with love, and much gratitude,
Kirsten
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