Most days, I don’t really think about Evan’s Autism. I think about his ADHD every time I look on the school portal and see he has not turned in another assignment I KNOW he completed. sigh
Some days, Autism just slaps me in the face. Sometimes Evan is just so painfully awkward, socially. And suddenly I see it. This is Autism. This may never go away. And the thoughts flood in. Who will be his friend? What will his social life be like in High School? Will he have friends? Will he have a girlfriend? How will he navigate college? Will he be organized enough to graduate? Will he be a genius working in a factory because he can’t handle more? Will he ever marry? What will be be like as a father, if he ever is a father?
These were things, for the most part, I didn’t worry as much about when he was younger. We’d talk about his future, about dating, friends, college, marriage and everything was light and hopeful. Now it’s more complex.
Sometimes I also fall down the rabbit hole of “What did I do to cause this? Could I have prevented this? Was it something I ate? Something I didn’t eat? Something I took? A vaccine? An illness?”
But most days, it’s just a normal day with my kids. Reminding him to get dressed and get ready for school. Reminding him to eat enough, and turn in his homework. Nagging him to play piano, and not pester his sister. Giving him a hug. Laughing at his ridiculous puns. I love that kid to pieces. He was my miracle. The child I never thought I’d have. And sometimes I wish I could just take all this away from him. Let him have a life of ease where he will be popular and articulate and confident.
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