Disappointing day at the beach. I arrived right at high tide. It was all chop. There were no real ride-able swells.
I sat on my board and watched the waves beat themselves into foam.
One good thing about a decent length drive is you get a lot of clarity about a lot of things.
Hit rewind.
I woke up at 6am. I was comfy in my bed, but once you are awake there is no use trying to pretend you are going back to sleep.
I put the recycling on the curb, actually more on the edge of the lawn. I try to be a decent neighbor - thus I don’t block the sidewalk.
The TV was off. The air conditioners were off. The fans were off. It was eerie. So freaking quiet.
You don’t often think about the incessant noise in modern life.
Other than Prosebox I am pretty much off social media. It is only when it is quiet that you realize how fucking loud this planet has become in the last 20 years.
I noticed it again on the beach. Sitting on my board. Even with the crashing surf, it was quiet between my ears.
Came home. Took a nap. Noticed I had dragged sand into the bed. Took a shower. Washed the sheets.
Checked email. Nothing from MCF. Still feeling quite content.
To a degree it is unsettling, how when I feel most at peace I find myself missing Audrey. That one piece of my life I can’t quite reconcile.
I remember sitting at opposite ends of the couch. Our legs covered with the blanket that still stays on the back of that couch. I saw a look come over her face. I asked her if she was okay. She just shook her head and started to cry.
It still breaks my heart. Because I was utterly useless. Because no matter what I did or what I said I would be wrong. So I didn’t do anything, and I didn’t say anything.
It is so exhausting, but I suppose that is what the women in my life have taught me.
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