written 11/4/1999
Hello people… I went to the gym today and found out I gained a kilo since I started writing this diary. 63. Ugh. The saddest thing is, I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong! I feel like I’m trying so hard – like yesterday I was at a wedding and I didn’t eat anything except pasta without sauce and half a dish of onion soup. And everyone around me was stuffing themselves… Why do thy have these weddings anyway? Just a big food festival, except the food is bad and it costs a lot. I can think of better ways to unite two people in love except stuffing their parent’s friends with food.
The good thing is that the gym is getting easier – that means I am making progress somehow and maybe I’ll try a harder routine next time. Consolation prize…
My roommate Spaghetti has broken up with her boyfriend. She sent me an e-mail saying “Your turn” (and immediately apologized and asked if I was mad at her. I guess I’ve really scared people off with my “no advice” rule). We’ve been discussing for a while how we both have the same problem with our boyfriends – we were both thinking if we wanted to break up. Now she says “Won’t it be cool to be 3 single girls at the apartment again?” Well….
Spaghetti likes her boyfriend, but she things maybe there’s REAL LOVE out there. Now she hopes she won’t find it, so she’ll be able to go back to her ex with a resolution that there’s nothing she’s missing.
For me it’s different. I’m not looking for someone better. I don’t want to find love because what if I’d lose it? I don’t think I want something else, I just want things between me and Odie to flow a little easier. I feel angry at him for a lot of things and I very rarely get very angry. It’s effecting the rest of my life too.
But all in all, I really don’t feel like leaving Odie at the moment – I just want to complain!
Baby, Baby, Baby, I’m gonna leave you
Baby, baby, baby, I’m gonna leave you
Gonna leave you when the summer comes
Leave you when the summer comes around
Babe, babe, babe, baby, I don’t want to leave you
I ain’t joking honey, I just got to ramble…..
(Led Zeppelin)
Do you think they meant ramble as in move? (Which means he does leave) or ramble as in talk too much (and then he doesn’t eventually leave, unless she throws him out for scaring her unnecessarily, which is probably what’s going to happen to me…)
At work it’s been an all-out professor war, and I’m the prize. It feels like a custody war. Two very dignified (hah!) professors, let’s call them Politics and Stock Market, have been yelling at each other and talking behind each other’s back over who gets to work with me, and not because they think I’m cute (rather because I’m the only person in that office who knows how to double click). But even though it is not emotional, and I am just office equipment for them, I still feel very much stuck in between. I like them both, and it’s getting pretty hard to stay on both their good sides. I tried to stick up for Stock Market, telling Politics in a very small voice that maybe what he did before wasn’t fair to her, and he yells “I’m not blaming you! You’re the only saint here!” I said “That is NOT what I meant when I said that!” Meaning – I finally stick up for something at work, which I believe is fair, and he thinks I’m trying to cover my own butt. I don’t think he understood that that was what I’d meant… So he goes “I know, I know, you just don’t want anyone to be mad at you” So I go “That’s true. Not getting anyone mad at me is a very strong motivating force in my life, but even I have my limits!” So all my office friends laughed. The point is – I was trying to defend someone’s rights and willing to get in trouble for it, and nobody noticed! Wah!
Stock market has been a bit of a pain in the a** this week herself, so I guess I should go back to being the sweet, conformist me. Except that Politics came into my office and whispered “There was no chemistry between me and her since the beginning” (“the beginning” was about 30 years ago) “because I can’t stand women with too much testosterone”. I was pretty close to killing him, but I smiled and said something mildly negative. Typical me. I think I’m good at my job, and that is not a compliment….
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