Well...I'm not dead? in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

You know, there’s a lot going on in my life. And none of it is easy. I would be a liar if I said I haven’t been trying to figure out how to word all the shit in my life. It’s alot, and not a lot at the same time. It’s hard to put into words, and I am going to try but I doubt that I will get it all in one entry.

Family shit is still shit. Father still a self absorbed jackass that refuses to accept responsibility for his doing and not doing.
Sister, just makes shit worse and just like her father can’t take responsibility for her doings and not doings. She tries to initiate conversations with my mother that my sister is not equipped mentally for. She is not smart enough. She immediately becomes defensive regardless of response from my mother. A simple question and she inflects her own conscience on to the response to try and twist it into my mother making it something it wasn’t.
Mother. Now this is the meat of the issue. She is still clinging to this hypernegative perspective? Perception? Attitude? All of the above. She insists and insists on this self-fulfilling prophecy of doom and gloom nonsense. Every day I get fed this same shit. “I have nothing. I own nothing. I can’t do anything.” Etc. etc. etc. Now when I challenge her and tell her that that is not how it has to be she retorts with the same hypernegative shit every fucking time. “I can’t do anything.” I say do something. “Nobody to do anything with.” I suggest myself, she responds, “I feel like you don’t want to do anything. I feel like a burden. I don’t trust you.” Now mind you I have done NOTHING but try to get her through this shit. To pull her head out of her ass and see that no matter how bad shit seems, there is ALWAYS a way to mend it and move forward. But lo and behold she twists it into my not wanting her to get through it and that I just want her to leave me alone and shut up and shit like that. Regardless of my flat out telling her what I want. Now I will admit, every once in awhile I do get frustrated and yell a bit. And she selectively chooses what to remember. She chooses to forget the year and a half or so of me clamly and nicely trying to get her to see through her negative bullshit. It took 2 years for me to start getting frustrated walking in the same fucking circle of her bullshit. 2 fucking years of shutting down every solution I present. 2 years of shutting me down and dismissing me. 2 years of consistently showing that her dickhead of a husband and dipshit of a daughter are more important than the person that has sacrificed his time, money, and energy into getting her through this shit. Do you have any idea how it feels to sit there and spend 2+ years consistently trying to help and get her through shit, to have an argument break out between her and my sister and have it turn into a text from my mother saying, “I have nothing, and since trying to get your sister to care about me is over there is nothing for me to live for.” Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Clearly I am not appreciated in spite of my countless deeds and efforts. Clearly I do not matter. All that matters to her is her shit bag husband and dipshit daughter. So tell me, why do I feel obligated to make sure she can at least provide for herself before I find somewhere to move? Why am I taking the responsibility of all this shit and trying to step up where nobody else will? Why the fuck is it so difficult for me to walk away from this shit when I know damn well nobody here gives 2 shits about me? Am I a fool? Stupid question. Yes. I am. Certain aspects of doing the right thing are always foolish. But how long am I supposed to put up with this shit? For fucks sake she blames me for shit that I couldn’t possibly be responsible for. Hell, there is shit in the house that needs done, but I have so much other shit I have to deal with that I can’t get to it all. What does she do? Jack and shit. She just sends me a text saying shit like, “You need to....” Bitch, no. Half the shit she says “You need to..” to me is shit that I am not responsible for. I don’t have to make sure your bills get paid. I don’t have to go through the shit from yours and his marriage. I don’t have to do the ten million other things that you at the very least could help with. That is also part of it. She refuses to help with anything. SO it obviously falls on to my shoulders to deal with. For fucks sake I went and visited a friend last weekend to play ARMS. Great game. But she was supposed to go through shit and decide what she wants to toss so I can just run it to the dump when I got back. You wanna take a guess as to how much she did. If you guessed nothing....YOU WIN!!!! And then about a day later I get the same hypernegative bullshit, “My life is trash. I am trash. It’s all trash. Do with it whatever you want.” IT’S NOT MY SHIT! I’ve got a small room. Like 8x10 and that houses all of my belongings. I don’t have much. But I enjoy what I do have. I just want peace. And I have no idea what to do.

Then there’s Jassmine. I want to move up closer to her, but that is a task in its self. I am constantly looking for places to rent that I can afford and that will take Roxie and my rats. Did I mention I now have 3 rats? They are adorable. But anyway. We haven’t talked much lately and that happens from time to time. Which usually no big deal. She is typically tired from work or not feeling well or something like that. But every once in awhile I can’t help but get paranoid that she loses interest or some shit like that. So that is kinda haunting me in the back of my mind. It’s weird. Almost feels like if I did let her slip through my fingers then it feels more like I have lost even more than I thought. Hits me harder than the fact that I don’t really have a family.

Alright I should hit that snooze button. King out.