I wrote this yesterday on my facebook, letting all my friends and family see a glimpse inside my head for the first time ever to understand what I've been through and how my brain works. I'm a big Talk about Mental Health Advocate, but this is the first time I've ever really talked about it. Time to stop being a hypocrite.
Well today is the day to talk about it isn't it? I'm not writing this for sympathy, or advice, or even for you all to know me better.. I'm writing in hope that maybe my story can help someone else feel better about themselves or their situation.
For a very long time in my life I have hidden a lot of what goes on inside me. For fear that it was ugly, depressing and that no one would want to know the real me. There were times that I didn't even want to know the real me. I have suffered from depression since I was in high school, which was very confusing back then. When i should've been having the time of my life, I remember a lot of crying and sleeping. Not to say I don't have good memories because I do, I have great ones, lots of good times were had. that's the problem with depression, it doesn't happen when it's convenient, or even on any kind of schedule that I've figured out.
I just always knew that I was different from the majority of my friends, I didn't really understand why or how, I just knew. I just felt it. I have great friends & a great family. I could never say that my life lacked love. I've always been surrounded by support & love, but sometimes the best things don't help. I never wanted them to know what I was dealing with inside myself, because I resented it. I wanted to hide it, and I did very well, I think. I made myself this mask of the happy go lucky girl.. which in truth, I am, but in order for a person to know you, they need to know the whole you.. and I was hiding a big part of myself from everyone.
This year I have discovered that I identified with a lot of different symptoms of something called borderline personality disorder. When I read the list of symptoms and did a couple online quiz's (yes I'm aware you can't diagnose yourself using the iternet) I made an appointment with my family doctor. In December I finally had my first appointment with someone at the mental health community here. when I left his office that day, I had a feeling of joy, of happiness, of lightness and most of all.. of hope. Hope that maybe for once in my life, someone could actually help me understand all the stuff in my head.. help me understand myself.
As people who have lived with me or have spent a lot of time with me, than they will tell you that I am the most soft hearted person ever, I can't read the news paper without crying, whether its over sad things or happy things.. I cry at award shows & movies & sometimes even television commercials. I can't control that. I feel things differently than most people. Empathy could be my middle name.
On the flip side to the soft hearted side was this side of me that I RARELY showed to people, the ugly side, the angry side, the disturbed side. I can remember having a couple of break downs and just being so confused as to what was going on, why I was acting like I was, why I was so angry at the world. For years I've dealt with daily suicidal thoughts & thoughts of cutting. It wasn't like there was one thing that would set me off, sometimes they just appeared. I don't really have any control over them. Thankfully I am a strong person and could never allow myself to succumb to them, but I don't think that people that do, are weak.. because I know what it takes, to be harassed daily by yourself, to be bullied by yourself. To deal with the ugliness on the inside & not understand.
It's not easy, let me tell you. Not knowing when you are waking up for the day, whether or not you're going to physically be able to move out of bed, it's like the thoughts in my head, just weighed me down. Sometimes there were big things going on in my life, sometimes it just happened seemingly out of the blue. I struggled A LOT with coming to terms with being bi sexual ( SURPRISE! lol Still not many people know, but now you do, now it's out there...not that it should change anything because it's always been a part of who I am, I just haven't embraced it.. If you do have a problem with it, feel free to un-friend me, because if you do have a problem with it, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be your friend anyways.)
For me, the worst part is loneliness. I never understood why I couldn't be in a "normal relationship" and still at 30 don't feel that I've had anything that resembles a "normal relationship". Finally I am just coming to terms that, that is okay, and that one day I will make up for that. But truly I believe that in order to be in love with someone else & have the kind of relationship that I want, than you first off, have to love yourself, and I am just really getting around to that these last couple years. I have a lot of love to give, and I am very loveable ;) but I just couldn't make it happen, and that was probably for the best. Once the man of my dreams arrives, everything I've been through will make me remember not to take that for granted & to always be appreciative of what I have. Also not to say that I haven't met and spent some time with some great men & women in my life, I will always appreciate the time spent with all of them, because they all taught me different things.
I spent a lot of my life, drinking, doing drugs, doing whatever I could to numb the pain that I didn't understand. To each their own. I did what I needed to do, I would never say that I did things the right way, I sort of wish that I had figured all this out years ago, but I also believe that it's happening now because I am ready for it happen, I need it to happen, so I can get on with my life, and be happy... I mean really happy... with myself & with my life. I am trying to figure out my passion, which is hard when you have strong personalities that differ, I like a lot of different things.. but I know I will figure it out, and I know that I will end up on the path that I am meant to be on. Sometimes I will still stumble and sometimes fall ( because let's face it, I am Klutzy) but when you are on the path simply to be a better person, there's no way it can be the wrong path.
Thank you all for reading this, one of my biggest problems with facing everything is the fear that people would look at me differently, but that's a fear I need to get over... people should look at me differently. Now you know what goes on behind this beautiful smile. <3 I am different, and that's cool with me. I was born different.
Loading comments...