In all Honesty I’m afraid to get close to people. I mean to open up. To communicate. I prohibit myself from speaking my mind almost constantly. I don’t lie. I just use different words or twist my response in a way that slightly changes the intensity of my views or thoughts.
I’ve denied myself the pleasure of getting to know people for several reasons. I’m afraid to get to know people that I might like or enjoy. I’m so used to not finding conversations interesting. I expect that I’ll have a difficult time focusing on listening. I don’t like to seem disrespectful or rude. It’s a disease and I believe I get it from my mother. But if I end up enjoying conversation its’ almost startling. Unfortunately that’s not what I truly fear.
I’m scared to fall for someone that is already taken. I’m even more terrified to enjoy conversation with someone I’m envious of. It seems easier to imagine them as a stranger. Especially because they have something I desire. This hasn’t happened before. I’ve never been jealous of someone because they had something I wanted before. I’m normally just happy for them. I’m glad they have something. I want everyone to be happy. But what about me?
I’m scared that I’m too damaged. Or perhaps fragile is the correct word. Maybe the reason I’ve built so many walls is because I believe that it’ll make me tough. I can’t let my guard down. I can’t be soft or vulnerable. I don’t want to get hurt, or break. I’m trying so hard to better myself. I know I could do more, of that I’m certain. However I’m concerned that if I’m not good enough It’ll be even more difficult on myself. I’ll lose the momentum I’ve got. I’ll crash again. I know I’ll never be perfect. But I just want to be the best that I can be. It’s really tough.
I’m certain that I have a lot of fears. I may not know what they are. However I’m certain that I must face them. I’m starting to come to an understanding that heights, unfamiliar dark places, and an abundance of those eight legged freaks called spiders are the least of my worries. I guess this is a part of growing up. Coming to terms with what really terrifies you. It’s not the falling that people really fear. It’s the sudden stop at the bottom.
P.S.
I know how powerful words are. How much better I feel once I’ve written mine. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to speak them.
I guess I also fear the power of the words of others. Just another to add to the list.
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