Where'd that year go?? in Welcome to my brain

Jan. 30, 2014, 10:45 a.m.
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Okay I'm going to attempt an actual entry. I don't even know where to start.

2013 was an amazing year, but also a terrible one for me.

The good I went overseas for two months. I explored the UK, Europe, a massive bus tour, I had wine in France under the Eiffel Tower where someone proposed to me (as a joke, well maybe not but I didn't know him), played in the snow in the Swiss Alps, danced on the tables in Nice, saw the Belin wall, got high in a coffee shop in Amsterdam, took a sailing tour around Croatia, hired a car in Santorini (scarier than driving in the middle of New York city.. Not even kidding) I met some amazing people on the bus tour, in the dorms where I stayed and out and about on the town. It was the most amazing trip of my life and I'd give anything to get up and go again.

I moved into a new position at work. It's only a secondment but I love it. My official title is a Capability Assistant. Basically I work with the trainers to bring in the new people, teach them the systems and the Vodafone culture and floor support them once they get on the phones. I love the bond I build with the new guys, I love being able to help them develop. It's approx $1400 a month less than what I made in sales but I don't hate going to work anymore which I love!

So before I left I was always posting about the Gym and now is no different. I am now a BodyPump instructor and it is my complete passion. I love it. I have 2 permanent classes a week (outside of work hours obviously) and if I could get more I would in a second. My body is starting to look like I want it to and I am very comfortable in my own skin at the moment.

The bad I've had a lot of family troubles this year. I'd found it hard to come to terms with what my mum's dad (I can't call him my grandfather, he's a monster) did to basically every female in my family over 3 generations. He's in jail now. My family is torn up. Mum stayed to support Nan who ended up in a mental hospital for a while there. She relies on mum and my aunt to survive. I can't go anywhere near her because she still goes and visits him in jail like he hasn't done what he has. I know Nan is fragile and I get bad anxiety because I want to cut her out of my life but cannot because of my mum.

My parents went to Thailand and I stayed at home and looked after my dog Zoe who has since died, I lost my best friend there adding to a terrible 2013. During that time I got anonymous notes and my house egged in reference nan (the note said Pedophile Carers Are Bad Eggs). I lost it for a while there, I was in tears all the time, my anxiety was through the roof and I was convinced that every car that drove past my house was stopping or lurking, I shut all of my friends out as I didn't want them to know, all but one, we are now no longer friends due to a stupid fight and it's not the same anymore. On top of this whoever left me the note egged nan's house too. She called me up bawling and I had to go up there to calm her down. Even though I hate her for being the weak, scared coward that she is, who has stuck by him after what he's done, I was the one up there telling her it was going to be okay. This is what tears me apart. I can't do that. It's not me.

I feel terrible for having this many issues with it. I could have had it a lot worse and I feel guilty that I struggle with it so bad. I think because I bury it I don't process it. I bury it because I can't get Nan out of my life, there's no closure, no moving on.

Zoe died, this killed me. That little girl meant the absolute world to me and I still miss her so much. She was old, she went naturally. She actually waited for me all day to say goodbye, she let go about 15 mins after I came home, she looked up for me until I came in and sat with her and she left while I was laying next to her patting her. That's all I can say on that as I am getting upset.

Friends wise has been crazy this year. Most of my time is spent with the girls at the gym but all that estrogen in one room is bound for bitch fights. I can't go into it now it's too much crap and I'm sure you won't follow. All I will say is I've fallen out with someone I considered my best friend and she showed me her true colours, I knew what she was like but honestly didn't think she'd turn on me like she did. But there you go, I am better off I know that but I really miss her. She's still one of the only ones I feel comfortable about opening up to about my anxiety and family bs.

Boys have been pretty quiet, I've had a couple on the go but as soon as they start bothering me too much, and trust me I get annoyed at them for even saying hello too often, I give them to boot. I don't know when this happened, the fact that I hate feeling like they're getting too attached but it's so strong. Right now I've been chatting to a guy who is 11 years older than me (36) and I thought maybe I'd be down with that because he's obviously more mature than the tools I normally talk to. But today he talked to me and when I saw his pic pop up I kinda 'uugh'ed even though he's hot as hell. I dunno, I guess I"m trying to push it and I clearly want nothing. I love being single, like I love it, once every few months I might get a pang of aw wish I had that and it literally lasts until a guy who likes me starts talking to me and I'm back to uugh.

Douchebag ex got married on Saturday. He weined his way back into my life somehow. We're in the same team at work now I'm in with training. I can't help it he's the male version of me. I wasn't hurt that he was getting married now nor do I harbour any feelings for him. We've had chats about it and both are happy that he is married. She cannot stand nor does she know that we text as much as we do but that's on him. I never start a conversation with him as I spent my last 4 years of my life trying to please him so it's his responsibility everytime he talks to me.

Okay that's enough for me for now. More than I've written in a year!

It's my Birthday on Sunday, I'm going out Saturday night with friends should be fun :)

My tour group in Germany, it was a fluro night if you can't tell