I think I’m finally ready to admit that I need some kind of help. I need to speak to a professional about mental health , but I’m afraid.
How ridiculous is it to be afraid that you’re not actually suffering from depression?! I’m afraid to be told that my lows are just circumstantial and are just a string of bad days that grouped together to become pretty much a terrible year. That it’s my own fault for not making more effort to make things better. Can the doctors tell you that?
I’ve made appointments before but you have to wait weeks to see anyone and by then I’ve talked myself out of going . I’m ashamed to even say the word “depression” out loud. Why should I be depressed? I am insanely in love with my daughter and although she can be difficult she is the best thing to ever happen to me, anyway she’s 18 months old now so I can’t blame PND anyway .
I guess if I think about it , I’ve always had serious issues with anyone looking after her. Even as a newborn I hated people holding her. I hated my old childminder (I never made it obvious) because she was able to get my daughter to sleep without being held and I couldn’t. It made me feel inadequate.
I even felt guilty ever asking her dad to put her to bed if I was going somewhere before her bedtime. From the beginning I felt like I had to do it all, and I blame breastfeeding for that. Her father couldn’t take over a lot of the roles so he eventually he stopped trying to, even after I stopped breastfeeding which was only a couple of months.
She’s my child.
And I’m struggling even more with this now that her father and I have separated. I am spending more days and more nights away from her than I ever had before and I have had no time to get used to it . She is a very clingy mummy’s girl and I feel so incomplete and lost without her when she’s not with me .
Is this even relevant? I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone in my life right now . It doesn’t feel like my life. I haven’t recognised it in months. Since we moved away. Although since the separation we came back to my hometown so at least the surroundings and the faces are familiar which really helps, but I don’t feel like myself. I used to be spontaneous and free spirited. I don’t recognise myself.
I just want to feel again. I feel numb and lost and I want to be found.
I’m ready to talk and admit that I’m not myself. I’m yet to say these words outloud to anyone and I don’t want to wait weeks to see a doctor and run away scared again…
Writing it in this entry has helped. It’s made me realise how much I have bottled up inside of me that wants to be spilled out.
I think I can do this.
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