Today marks an year since I am engaged. We got married after 4 months. My husband didnt even remember what day it is. Ours is an arranged marriage and we didn’t know anything about each other when we got married. My husband is not a bad person, he doesnt have any bad habits like drinking or drugs or smoking, not someone who would cheat on me or anything like that but I get the feeling that he only likes me for my body and my money. I just can’t shake that feeling cause sex means a lot to him even when I don’t want to do it, he won’t let it go.
I will be 29 next year and my masters will be finished by May next year. I am thinking of planning a baby after that. I wanted to travel around the world and see all the places before having a baby but looks like it won’t be happening… I actually…I don’t want a baby, I have always feared the whole process of getting pregnant and delivering the baby. I have always heard how cruel the child birth has been to the mother’s body. I am not ready for that… not yet but I don’t have a choice in this because in indian society it’s a huge deal if you don’t get pregnant after marriage, everybody looks down on you. And there is pressure from my in-laws too. Adoption is out of question for the same reason. I am also worried that after giving birth, my body won’t be the same. And what if my husband loses interest in me?
I get all these thoughts, I don’t know what I should do… I don’t think I am ready for any of this. My friends tell me that I am worrying about something that’s gonna happen next year but yeah I get scared if I think about it. I wish I could just postpone it a couple of years but everybody tells me that then it would be too late to have the baby.
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