Again, I wrote this aaaages ago so apologies for any disjointed-ness/whinging!
I had to work on Christmas Eve which was a bit rubbish, we weren’t busy but we were busier than I expected, I was working until 5.45 and it did quieten right down after about 4 which was nice! I spent that time scaring myself with real life ghost stories on xojane.co.uk! When I finished work Paul picked me up, we had planned to go to his parents for dinner and so that I could give them their presents, but when he picked me up Paul asked if I would mind popping in to a pub to meet his friends for a drink, so we went back to mine, I wrapped his parents present (I got them a cheese board so I had had it in the fridge until the last minute!) I tried to make myself look presentable and then we left to meet Paul’s friends, he did say that he didn’t really feel like going but that they’d been giving him a bit of a hard time about it on their whats app thread. We drove to the pub but then he decided that he didn’t want to go so we just went straight on to his. It was really nice, we just sat with his family for a bit and had roast beef sandwiches. After a while we came back to mine. Paul had got Africa a box full of goodies for Christmas so we opened those and played with the catnip bubbles for a bit. It was so sweet that he had bought her a present. I think that he does like her but he winds her up quite a lot and I think sometimes she gets a bit scared. I try to ask him to not be as mean to her but it doesn’t seem to make a difference, he is only playing but I don’t think he realises when she gets scared. It’s a shame because she used to love him so much! Whenever he came round when we first started seeing each other she would be straight on his lap and now I think she’s a bit scared of him in general even when he’s not winding her up! She never really sits on either of our laps now which I really miss. She is a bit of an odd cat really, she doesn’t like being picked up and you have to let her come to you to sit on your lap, she’s a bit of a diva but I think that’s because she’s half Bengal! We watched Elf and just chilled out on the couch and after a little while Africa jumped up on to my lap, but as soon as she had, Paul kind of rubbed under her tummy and she jumped straight back down again! He wasn’t being mean but he’s known her long enough to know she just needs to be left alone until she’s sat down and he knows that I’m a bit sad that she never sits with us anymore so I got a bit frustrated. When she jumped down I that I said something like ‘she never wants to sit on my lap!’ but in a bit of a cross way. He said that he’d only been stroking her and sounded a bit hurt. I felt really bad because it was so sweet of him to get her Christmas presents and I wasn’t really annoyed with him but I but I think I sounded like I was. I said sorry straight away but he was a bit offish with me for the rest of the night. We had a fairly earlyish night because he wanted to get back to his family early and Beth wanted me round early as well.
I set my alarm for 8 but I woke up before that and realised that I hadn’t written in Paul’s Christmas card so I tried to sneakily get up to write in it. Then I woke Paul up at about 10 past 8, he said Merry Christmas but was still pretty sleepy so he said could I get in the shower and get ready first before we opened each other’s presents. So I did, and I was like halfway ready when he decided to get up, so I stopped trying to do my hair or whatever and we opened each other’s presents. He opened mine first. I wish I had been able to get him more but I ended up getting him wellies (for our walks), a European car kit (for when he drives to Belgium for Shiner’s stag do) some funky next boxers and a Vans wallet. I think he liked them though. Then I opened his. He got me a onesie, a Coke straw holder for the kitchen and a gorgeous rose gold Nixon watch which I pinned on Pintrest ages ago! He forgot to get me a card! I love the watch so much and it was so generous of him. It wasn’t long after opening presents, when I was still getting ready that he decided to leave, so we only spent about 20 minutes together opening presents. He said he might pop in to my parents later on.
I went round to mum and dad’s and Beth made us all dinner, a choice of toast/muffin, smoked salmon/sausage and fried/scrambled egg. It was delicious! Then we went to our next door neighbours for drinks and nibbles which is a bit of a Christmas tradition, I haven’t been for years but I tagged along this time and it was quite nice to hang out with them for a bit! When we got back home, Lewis came round and we opened all our presents from each other. Drew got me a Cliff Richard calendar again! I made mum a photo calendar for her present, I wasn’t sure what she’d think of it because she’s a bit particular about calendars but she said she loved it and it made her cry!
Afterwards we hung out with mum in the kitchen whilst she was cooking and tried to help out where we could. We have Christmas dinner later than most and sat down to eat at about 6.30. It was worth the wait though because it was delicious!! I texted Paul after we’d finished to see if he was coming round but he said that he’d had too much to drink. I did kind of think him saying that he ‘might’ come round meant that he probably wouldn’t but I was a bit disappointed because it’s our first Christmas as a couple and I’d hardly got to see him. I knew I wasn’t going to see him on boxing day either which was a bit disappointing. He was invited to Lynnies with everyone but he said that his mum always makes bubble and squeak on boxing day and that he didn’t want to miss it. Also when we were first talking about when we were going to see each other over Christmas I suggested spending Christmas Eve together and then having a nice breakfast together in the morning. He said that he wouldn’t want to do that because he wouldn’t want to spoil his appetite for his Christmas dinner but when he left mine on Christmas day he said that he was going home to bacon sandwiches for breakfast! I think he just likes his normal Christmas that much and he didn’t want to try and fit me in to it. It weird because in someways he is so thoughtful (I would have never expected that watch and it was such a lovely surprise) but in other ways he isn’t (I would have really loved a card with some nice words in, and I would have loved him to have made more time to see me on whether Christmas day or boxing day) but I don’t want to be or seem ungrateful because he is awesome and I am really lucky to have him. I suppose I should have just had lower expectations!
After Christmas dinner we put the Grinch on and opened our ‘Father Christmas’ presents (mum still does us a stocking and a pillowcase each) we were all pretty spoilt really! By the time we’d finished with the presents it was nearly 11 so I headed home to bed ( I had to leave my living room light on all night because I was still scared from the ghost stories!!)
Drew was on the beer at 10am!
I asked Beth not to make me look fat whilst she was taking photos, so she took this... I think my mum looks gorgeous in these though!
My Presents! Beth got me the Disney cd, it's awesome!
On boxing day Beth and I always go for a Mcdonalds breakfast and to have a look round the sales and this year Drew came too, we couldn’t take too long though because Beth had lunch plans with Lewis’ family. I tried to be good in the sales but I did buy a couple of things. Paul instagrammed some photos of him on a walk with his family wearing the wellies I got him. That made me look through his instagram history and I realised he’s never posted a picture of the two of us on there which made me a bit miserable. But I think that it’s more a case of feeling rubbish about myself at the moment and when I feel like this, it’s like I look for stuff to make me feel even worse. The text that he sent me on Christmas day did kind of make me feel like he’d rather be with his family though, it made me feel bad for hogging him away from his family when I do spend time with him, even though it’s usually his idea.
I went round to mum and dad’s before Lynnie’s because I’d offered to drive Drew and Beth. I apologised for getting there a bit late because I couldn’t find anything to wear and Beth said ’Is it cos you’re fat?’ she didn’t say it in a mean way really, she’s just quite matter-of-fact and blunt I suppose and it is true, I am fat I have managed to put on over 2 stone in a year and I’ve never been this big before. I don’t recognise myself.
It was lovely at Lynne and Mike’s. Layla, Sebastian and Casper are all so awesome, it was really nice to spend time with them all. Layla is so grown up, the way she talks is so funny! And I got some Casper cuddles, he is so chunky and cute!
Beth took some photos of us and I can’t believe how big I look. I really need to sort it out. But that didn’t stop me from digging in to Lynnie’s turkey curry or mum’s banoffee pie!
On the left is what I looked like on Dec 27th 2012, the left was this boxing day...
On Friday Paul and I were both back to work, we had similar lunches and spent it together at the pub with a few other people for someone we work with’s birthday. On the walk there Paul said was anyone in my family mad at him for not coming over on Christmas day, I said no… but obviously he’s oblivious to the fact that I’m a bit hurt that he didn’t want to spend more time with me over Christmas. He said that it was so nice to spend it with his family because they never get to spend time together like that but they all live in the same house! The have meals together all the time! The last time my family had a day together just the 5 of us was last Christmas day! (This year my dad’s parents were with us). I don’t really think there’s any point in saying anything though because all I really wanted was for him to want to spend some of Christmas with me and there’s nothing either of us can do about that now. I’m sure I’m making it a much bigger deal than it should be because I’m feeling a bit rubbish in general at the moment and I wouldn’t want him to think that I was annoyed with him because he is flipping awesome. I think I just need to sort my own shiz out.
For NYE we are supposed to be going to a house party at Paul’s friends and I am dreading it. They all met me when Paul and I just started seeing each other, when I was A LOT skinnier. I really don’t want them to see me looking like this and see how much I’ve let myself go. And lately whenever I drink I end up feeling really shitty about myself so I can just see myself being the worst company ever. I don’t really think it would go down well if I said I wanted to spend it on my own though. And I know that it’s ridiculously self-centred and stupid to feel like that, people won’t probably care what I look like but I know if it was me and someone had put on a lot of weight in a short amount of time I would definitely notice/comment on it.
Oh and Natasha had her baby… I love Tash, we were really close when we were little and our families are friends. I’m pretty sure I’ve written before about how she is a person that’s pretty much guaranteed to make me feel pants about myself. She’s 2 years younger than me, skinny, beautiful, has a job doing something that she’s actually interested in. She has been with her boyfriend maybe a couple of months longer than me and Paul (and are similar in that they had been friends for a while before getting together) and they have just had a baby, got engaged and bought an (apparently beautiful) property together all nearly within a year of getting together. The baby is a little boy called Ethan we’ll be seeing them all and meeting Ethan for the first time on Sunday. More people who I really don’t want to see me this big. Tash didn’t even put on any weight during pregnancy except for boobs and bump. I don’t even want those things it all just makes me feel like a bit of a failure. I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to other people, it’s pretty much guaranteed to make me feel awful. I seem to just be a glutton for punishment.
On Saturday I spent the day quite happily having a bit of a tidy and a re-organize of my wardrobe. Then in the evening Paul and I went for Pizza hut and then to watch the new hobbit film. I really liked it, I got more into it than the first hobbit film and I didn’t really notice how long it was! We also watched it in 3D with a faster frame rate which Paul totally geeked out over!
On Sunday I woke up before Paul and was just hanging out in the lounge so he decided to make me jump and crept down the hall before jumping into the lounge and shouting ‘boo’ it made me jump but Africa was in the corner of the lounge and she went completely crazy! She ran up the Christmas tree, around the table next to it knocking everything off of it, back down the Christmas tree and then out the cat flap! Paul and I were in tears laughing! Is it really bad that I found that funny after going on about Paul being too mean to her? Paul said he actually felt really bad because he wants to try to be nicer to her and he was only trying to make me jump, he hadn’t even known she was there! I went and got her from outside and gave her some treats afterwards!
After we’d had breakfast and got ready we went to town and I got my watch re-sized (I love it sooooo much!) and Paul and I had a wander around town. We got nandos for lunch and then popped into Paul’s for him to get some clothes to wear for later. We ended spending longer than we thought at Paul’s and then I only had half an hour to get ready to go to Janice and Lloyd’s when I had been planning on having a shower and making my hair all nice! I got stressed out and moody getting ready but I wore a really nice dress so I wasn’t feeling too hideous, I meant to take a picture but I didn’t have time. Paul and I went to my parents so we could all go round to Janice and Lloyd’s together Beth was moody (for a change!) although I think she perked up when we got there. Natasha and Mark’s baby is gorgeous, he’s called Ethan and his middle name is Bennetton, it was really surreal seeing Tash with a baby but she seems to have taken to it really well. She is absolutely tiny still and she was saying that she’d had no sleep but she looked amazing and had a full face of immaculate make up. I didn’t have the best evening but it was my own fault, I felt really self-conscious about being the fattest girl at an evening which involved someone who’d given birth less than 2 weeks ago. At one point we were talking about whether she’d been wee’d on yet and she said about how she’d ‘only just’ fit in to her pre-pregnancy jeans and then they got wee’d on. I was just like seriously?! You gave birth less than two weeks ago! I haven’t fit into my jeans since last February! But it’s not her fault I can’t control myself, I hate that feeling like this turns me in to a massive bitch. I just feel like being there flags up what a massive fail I am – divorced and fat and doing a shitty job when literally everything awesome is happening for her. And it makes me feel really guilty when I see my mum around little babies because I think she’d really a grandchild and I feel guilty for not giving her one.
Beth and Ethan (how gorgeous is she?! And he!)
On Monday and Tuesday it was back to work Paul and I hadn’t known what we were planning on doing for New Years Eve because his friends were asking him to keep it free but weren’t making any plans. At one point it looked like one of them might be having a house party but in the end we went for tapas with Shiner and Amy and then went to a wine bar that one of Paul’s friends’ mums owns for the rest of the night. It was ok… the meal with Shiner and Amy was nice although it was quite expensive and I have nooooooo money so that stressed me out a bit, but it was really nice to spend time with them, Amy is sweet and I think Shiner’s really funny, they’ve all known each other forever though so they were talking quite a lot about stories that they were all there for but I don’t really talk that much anyway so it doesn’t really matter I suppose. The wine bar was a bit weird, it was full of older people and I managed to get hit in the face a couple of times but I’m glad that Paul and I got to spend the evening together and that we got to kiss at midnight!
On New Years Day we both had a lie in, I usually get up before Paul to wash up or just potter around so it was nice to have sleepy cuddles in the morning! Drew and Robyn came round for breakfast. They are going to be moving in to my second bedroom for a bit so they came round to size it up. I am looking forward to it because the extra money towards bills will be really useful and I do really enjoy their company but I’m also dreading it a bit because I am used to having the flat to myself and I’m using that room as a bit of a junk room at the moment and I’m not sure where everything is going to go! I’m sure it’ll be fine though and it’s not as if it’ll be forever and I do desperately need the extra money! It was nice to hang out with them a bit and I think they are quite excited to try out living together!
Paul and I had quite a lazy day, we popped into primark and I got some pretty wellies (they’re an essential right?!) and then went to the range to get some fancy new Tupperware for our healthy new year lunches! Then we had Chinese for dinner and watched the notebook!
I did the photo a day challenge for December and it was the first time I've ever completed the whole month so I made a little slide show :)
So that my Christmas and New Year!
xxx
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