So much has happened. J and I kept talking and at first he was cold and distant and I couldn’t tell if it was just a lack of interest or if he was trying to play chess with me and get me to make the first move. We ended up having a long conversation and he basically told me everything I’d already suspected and needed to hear. He loved me, he still thought about me up until about two months ago. She was just a rebound for him. I hurt him. Etc etc. I knew in my heart that I could never trust him again. But, I can’t deny that I love him and I told him one night after I got fucked up on xanax and let’s just say it didn’t end well. He said there was too much damage, which is what I have been saying all along. And I agree. I think it’s out of my system now and I can just move on. I don’t want to cut him off completely because it’s too hard on me. So, I left him on my friend’s list and we chat occasionally and I think, in time, it’ll become easier and normal. Having him at a safe distance is what feels easiest for me right now. All other options are just too painful.
I’ve been trying to clean my mess of a room today. I’m working on my computer desk and have made good progress so far. Maybe I’ll get everything tidy and organize my clothes so I can give them to my sister or my mom.
Not much from T lately. Sometimes I wish I could just tell him the truth about everything but there is no coming back from that. And I don’t want to lose him so I’ll keep being selfish, I guess. A selfish mess.
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