My brain is kind of consumed with thoughts of the new man in my life. So, Ill be writing about that a bit. Hes got me incredibly twisted up. I love it.
I have a weird track record with romance, I absolutely love to be loved and in love. Often to my detriment. Here, let me show you
DR 2001-2003
My very first love. He was an addict of whatever was his flavor of the Month. White Russians, ecstacy and speed, Jesus, pot, Karaoke, video games, even a bout with anorexia. every now and again he would find a new addiction. he had to have something in his life to be obsessed with. Yes the anorexia was an addiction/ obsession for him. bad body image and a need to obsess fueled that. in the in-between times, there was me. And through it all, every moment of it. I supported him. Emotionally, financially, you name it. He was like my child. He would get a job for 2 days and quit, saying it was too stressful to work at a car wash, or a bowling alley. I, of course, would say “Its ok baby, as long as I’m with you I’m happy. Even if that means we ave to sleep on the beach” Yeah I was young and fucking stupid. We got engaged on my dime (he blew my inheritance) and the only reason I said yes was because I had no where else to go. You see, I was not allowed to have friends. My best friend was his mother. Eventually he cheated on me, that was the beginning of the end. He genuinely broke my heart. The first heartbreak, I needed it.
NK.1 - 2004 - this is when I met the demon that I will discuss later. I loved her for 9 years. she was horrible.
TE 2004-2006
This one was sweet. Nerdy, “Smart” (by that i mean book smart with very little common sense. “dont put hot water on that frozen windshield TE, it could break” actively ignores me - Broken windshield.) We should never have been more than friends. We did get engaged and That was because I planned the whole thing. It was fun and totally staged..lol I agreed because I figured I could deal with living with him for the rest of my life and I didnt figure I could do better. He ended up breaking up with me while we were at work becasue he was depressed. I really had no feelings about it. Aside from that, we did not please each other sexually. Im not going to be all blasty about this, but I will say - because it continues a pattern; TE was also an addict. To porn and masturbation. I know you are thinking “Well everyone watches porn and practices some self lovin’!” True, but not to the extent of rubbing your gentiles so raw that you cant use them for a few days, or that you are so used to the same visual cues and manual self manipulation that its THE ONLY WAY YOU GET OFF. He actually kicked me out of our bedroom so that he could masturbate. What? Yeah.
Remember this point, because it notates the emergence of a new pattern.
JLB - 2007-2012
I was married to this one. He was a Leo and an alcoholic. Fun loving hippie type, but his fun always had to include alcohol. When he was drunk, he was emotionally abusive. Im not gonna hash it all out here but suffice it to say: He hated me, hated my body and hated himself. He hated sex (especially with Me) and hated being sober. I had a lot of love, he gave a lot of hate and I had enough.
I Left my ex-husband in 2012. It took four years for me to come up with the money to pay for the divorce, but I did it.
JMB ( I know , right?) 2012 -2013
Not long after I left my marriage, I started seeing my first Ex girlfriend. we were together for about 11 months. She was good for me and horrible for me. We were friends first, then girlfreinds, then she decided she was in love with her best friend, her best friend was a gay man. It really didnt end well for her on any of those fronts. None of our friend group speak to her anymore. She made sure it would be that way through betrayal and manipulation. Scorpio.
NK -Long time infatuation, one time love, long time pain in my ass 2004-2013
After the first GF there was a brief interlude with NK. I fell in love with tis girl almost at first site, we flirted and fucked around for years but she never would be with me. I know she loved me in her way, but I was head over heels. After JMB dipped out , NK popped up in my life again after years apart. I saw her a couple of times, we had sex, she asked me for money and to buy her pills. I was stupid and did it. I got wise pretty quickly though ad put and end to the money and pill fountain. But not until after I found out she was dating my very first Love, DR (she was his new addiction and with her he went back to alcohol and got hooked on pain pills) fucking twats, both of them. Shes a scorpio too, shocking.
AL- 2013-2014 AS & GM, similar time frame
Al was sweet. She probably loved me, but well, Im above most else, sapiosexual. (turned on by intelligence) and as sweet as she was, she didnt have a brain that got me hot. actually any of the women that I dated that identified as lesbians were similar stories. really sweet, thought that they loved me, and couldnt keep my attention in conversation. I can hang out with anyone, talk to anyone, but to keep me around, you have to stimulate my mind.
Ill put AS and GM here as well. Its really the same story (except AS turned a little crazy and talked a lot of shit about me. Claimed to be a good “Church Girl” uh huh.. I hope she found god.
GM was a bit of an alcoholic.
Ill do the rest tomorrow, gotta work in the AM and it gets into some intense emotional territory. Its what I call my LDR phase.
Thanks for listening
-C
Loading comments...