So I’m starting to suspect that seasonal affective disorder is a real thing in my life. Which makes sense, since I do live in the great white north. I’ve noticed this past week when we’ve had far above average temperatures and plenty of sunshine (This is the first time I’ve seen grass up here in February since I moved here 11 ½ years ago!), that I’ve felt less moody, sad, and less like there’s no hope.
Part of me wishes that when the ex and I broke up, I immediately left. But I get why I didn’t. There was already enough heartache, fear, and uncertainty in my life, and it’s super easy to cling to what you know. And this place is what I’ve known for more than a third of my life. And I’m sure there was a part of me that hoped, at the time, he’d realize how worse off his life was without me in it. (I mean, who doesn’t think that when they get their heart broken, right?) I moved here for him. I stayed here for him. After I graduated originally, I turned down things that would have taken me elsewhere, warmer places too! I was young and thought I knew what I wanted, and I thought I wanted him. I saw a future with him and only wanted that future. Retrospect is the best glasses anyone can wear though, and I’m thankful it didn’t turn out like how I thought I wanted it to be. But I digress.
That said, being years past that now, having over a year under my belt for school and about a year left, I know, and I have known really since last fall, I’m out of there once I finish school. The only thing I know I want is someplace with less snow, less winter (preferably no snow, but I’d settle on winter not being 7 months, but more like, you know, 2) and preferably that’s not as rural/isolated. So when I graduate (again) in 14 months, hopefully with a more employable degree (and not in the midst of a recession like last time I graduated), I can apply a multitude of places across the country and find somewhere that’ll fit my career goals (including masters and certification).
And truth be told, it’s exciting to know there is nothing that’s holding me here (perhaps that too contributes to the grayness of being here, being that there’s nothing really left for me here… actually I know that contributes). I’m 31, unmarried without kids. I don’t have a large family. My sister and my father are on the west coast and my mom is still doing the nomad thing. (Though being close to my family isn’t a factor, but that’s really a whole ‘nother entry in itself.) The thought that I can go anywhere, is exhilarating. We’re more than halfway through this winter… and one more… I can do it!
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