Catching Up in Random Thoughts

Sorry. It’s been an odd week, and I’ve had a very difficult time getting out of my head.
I’ll be so fucking glad when I get back on my medication. This depression is driving me up the damn wall. No joke, I’m fine while I’m at work, but then I get home, let the dog out to do her thing, then we’re all on the couch till I feed her at 8pm. I usually have been heading to bed shortly thereafter.
I still can’t sleep for shit. My heart med helps wind me down a bit, but I’m still taking 10mg of melatonin and swigging Zzzquil, and still not getting a full 8 hours. According to my smart watch, I’m only getting about 4.5 hours a night. No wonder I feel like shit.
I had a sort of odd experience on Thursday. As a reminder, I’m a garage door tech, so don’t feel bad if some of what I say you don’t get. I had an elderly customer who had bought a remote from us thinking that was the problem. I went out to try and program it, since the sale’s guy’s programming hadn’t worked. I get there, push the button, the remote wasn’t the problem. It was the controller board. Told the homeowner that I didn’t know if we had any, but I’d go check, I’d be back if I found one, I’d call if I didn’t. What should have been 20-30 minutes to get back to the office, 15 or more to find the tester, another 20 to find A board (add on 20 more minutes for a board with the same frequency receiver circuit), 10 to test the board, and another 30 to get back to his house, wasn’t. It was green lights and little to no traffic coming back, went to the store room and the tester was atop one box of crap, and atop the box next to it was a correct frequency board. It took me a couple minutes to get it hooked up and tested, and 10 or so minutes to get back to his house. My boss also cut him a discount on the board since the opener and all its parts were discontinued in 1992.
So all that ties into this:
I believe in signs, however weird they may be. There was a reason I was supposed to fix this opener instead of the usual “I’m sorry, this opener is too outdated, it’ll have to be replaced”, and there’s a reason it was so quick and painless to get it done. No, I don’t know what the reason is, but I know there is one. I’ll have to wait and see what it is, though.
I’m still reeling from seeing my first GF’s doppelganger in front of my house last weekend. I know I need this oddball shit to stop mindfucking me.
I should be able to handle this all by now, but I can’t.
I think I’ve been alone too long. No, that has nothing to do with sex. I couldn’t give a shit less what my sex drive wants. I miss love. I miss really tight hugs. I miss snuggles. I miss the little stuff, the cutesy stuff. Holding hands. Making fun of bad actors. Singing in the car. The whole being in each other’s head thing, where you just look at them and you know what each other are thinking. But I think I’ve been alone so long, and with all the shit that B and M put me through, I don’t know that I could be with someone any more. I don’t trust very easily. That kinda happens when you get lied to and cheated on multiple times, or everything goes great till she just up and fucking disappears - but shows up again months later with no explanation and acts like nothing happened.
On the plus side, my dreams aren’t currently being haunted by Alyssa McCloud (aka The Ginger) or Jessica McElree (aka The Brunette). And yes, I’ve looked on line to see if either exists, and no search results were even a remotely close match to either of them. Is it weird that I know so much shit about them from dreams, it’s like I’ve known them all my life? First, middle, and last names, where they’re from, their life story basically, know basically every aspect of them, met their parents, even know what the inside of their homes and their parents’ homes look like (IE: Alyssa’s parents kitchen has very nice cherry stained maple shaker style cabinets with green granite counters, but the baby-shit-green paint on the walls above the cabinets really lets it down quite badly.) I’d love for either of them to just pop up one day in real life, and end up that I’ve been haunting their dreams, and they know just as much about me as I do them.
I think my mind does that as a coping mechanism, honestly. Because of how much time I spend alone, my mind decided that I need to be with someone I really like when I’m sleeping. That’s great and all, but it’d be far better to fall asleep with, dream of, and wake up with them. Not just see them for a couple of hours a few nights a week.
My dreams also play off my imaginary friends. Yes, I’m an adult with imaginary friends. No, I don’t talk aloud to them, and I don’t hear voices. I am capable of separating my imagination from reality, but sometimes my imagination is just enough better to level out the absolute suckage that is my waking life.
Am I depressed? Yes.
Am I going to kill myself? No. The dog and cat would never understand, and I don’t want to leave them thinking it’s their fault.
It’s after 9pm. I think I’m gonna find something to eat and go the fuck to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I doubt it tho.
And yes, I know I cuss a lot on here. I have to put on a smiley face and act like nothing is wrong in reality and on Facebook. Say “fuck” on Facebook and a couple of snowflakes will be so offended they’ll have to run screaming to their safe space. Fuck ‘em.