Jayson and I don’t use profanity. It’s a relatively new thing for us. I used to be extremely profane. I admit it. I was one of those Boston girls that punctuated everything I said with swear words. I never gave much thought to where I was or who might be offended. I remember going to into a restaurant once with my family and when the server asked what I want to drink I responded with something like, “I fucking fine with water right now.” Then Rachel of course lectured me for being rude.
But I don’t talk like that anymore. The biggest reason is because we joined the church and noticed no one else talked like that. I started to feel uncomfortable and out of place even if I said something innocent like “bullshit” and I slowly just stopped using bad language.
We have one exception. Jayson and I still use the word “fuck” but only in reference to sex. We don’t use it as an adjective or an exclamation, just as a verb or noun to describe lovemaking. And I don’t think of it as naughty when I say it. I’ll even say it in front of the kids. But mostly we say it alone in the bedroom when we’re actually fucking.
And here’s my second confession of this entry: I’ve started watching porn again. I went about a year without watching it. But now I do again.
I’ll go so far as to admit I believe it’s a sin to watch porn. I know I am doing something that I shouldn’t do. I know if I admitted it to people at church it would be seriously frowned upon. But I want to do it anyway, so I do. I watch porn and I masturbate. And those two things are secrets that I keep even from my husband because it’s against what we believe.
But I’m still going to do it.
And I’ve recently discovered a very specific type of porn that I enjoy. Threesomes with two women and one man, where only one of the women actually gets fucked. The other women participates, kisses and licks and touches all the right places, but she never gets penetrated. As a submissive woman myself, there’s something very hot about that. Like she’s being left out. Like she’s not good enough to have cock, and is only there to support the other two that get to have sex.
It may seem sexist, but I don’t see it that way. I see it as sexually submissive in a way that I’d like to be treated. If I ever had a threesome with a man and a woman. Which I’d never do.
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