Several things to update about.
Jayson and I are getting married in the temple in February. We’ve already been married so this is just a secondary ceremony to do it in the temple. I feel like there is a lot less planning involved, we just have to go on the right date. I’ll be getting some sort of white dress but I haven’t put too much thought into it.
We have been attending “temple prep” classes at church. It’s been interesting.
Potty training is about over with my son. He picked it up surprisingly quickly, although maybe it has to do with the fact that this is our third time going through it so we are better at it. He virtually never has accidents during the day, and most of his nights are dry.
And now to make this about me, it makes me feel like less of an adult to acknowledge that now I am the only person in the house that wears diapers. I’m still a firm believer that I shouldn’t act like I’m ashamed of it, and I talk openly about “mommy’s diapers” in front of the kids. The girls kind of tease me about it and I have to remind myself they are not intentionally trying to hurt my feelings.
My doctor has started working with me on exercises to help strengthen muscles that she says have “atrophied.” I’m not optimistic that it will work because I’ve done this all before. It was awkward in her office because she stuck a gloved finger into my vagina and told me to squeeze it.
So I did. She said, “You’re squeezing right now?” I said yes. And she said she felt nothing on her finger. She wants me to use a sex toy and practice squeezing that muscle. 10 minutes at a time, three times a day.
Then she said at the end of the day I should bring myself to orgasm (she didn’t use the word “masturbate” which I thought was interesting). She said that when my muscles squeeze with orgasm, I should do my best to keep them squeezed for as long as I can.
I told her that my religion forbids masturbation. I’m not sure why I bothered to say this since I masturbate daily anyway. She said that in her opinion this was a “medically necessary exercise” and my religion should excuse it. I let it drop after that.
Thanksgiving was interesting. We all went to Rachel and Guy’s place. There is so much tension between them. Rachel has even talked to me about maybe wanting a divorce. It makes me sad.
Guy and Jayson have a good friendship, so I’m not sure how that would play out.
Rachel made a comment about how she and I once shared clothes but we can’t any more because I’ve gained “a little weight.” She said it sweetly, like she didn’t realize it was a hurtful thing to say.
When we were leaving, I was standing outside with her and she hugged me and told me she loves me, like she always does. I responded, “It hurt my feelings when you called me fat.” It was an awkward way to say it, but I wanted to get it out. She apologized and said that all the stuff going on with Guy was making her a bitch.
I replied, “Actually, you’ve always been a bitch, but I love you anyway.”
She said, “OK, I guess now we’ve both hurt each other’s feelings today.” And she walked inside.
That night she texted, “I’m sorry about today. I know I can be mean sometimes and I actually think it’s good that you call me on it. You more than anyone. You’re my best friend. I love you.”
I didn’t know what to say, but figured it’d be weird if I said nothing. So I just wrote “Love you too!”
And since I’m talking about weight, I stood on the scale at 201 today. Down from 204. I guess it’s good that it went down, but I’ve been putting a lot of effort into it and was hoping for more.
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