Hi :)
I have a Christmassy update entry that is sooo long overdue but I need to sort the photos out for it so I keep putting it off!
I am frustrated with myself again... I was really hoping that 2014 would be a turning point for me but I've been whinging for so long I don't know why I thought a new year would make a difference. I have a couple of days where I'm all like ' yeah, I can do this' and then something happens or I'll see someone and go back to feeling rubbish about myself and feeling like what's the point? It's really annoying though, I'm so annoyed with myself because I really enjoyed exercise and I like healthy food. I don't understand why I sabotague myself all the time. I can't believe I am a full stone heavier than my previous heaviest weight. I hate the way I look, I don't even really recognise myself. And I'm going to be 29 this year, I really thought I would have my shit figured out by now.
I think a major problem is that I don't really like myself... I think that's what leads to me feeling like there's no point. But to turn myself in to someone that I might like I have to make these changes that I can't seem to make which makes me like myself even less.
I don't know if maybe it would have been better to stay single for longer after Andrew left, I feel like I was kind of finding myself again and then I suppose I just got swept up in this new relationship and settled back into my old bad habits. I am so happy to be with Paul though, he is so lovely, I just wish I was better.... I can see myself making all the same mistakes again: whinging about how unattractive I feel to him, being secretive about money and what I'm eating.
I've been thinking a bit about counselling again, I looked into it a bit when Andrew and I first decided to split up. My work offers up to 10 free counselling sessions I think. But they could only do it on a Monday which was the one day I couldn't get off work, I've just noticed at work that the company who does it has changed so I was thinking about maybe looking into it again but I don't know what I'd say... I have a pretty awesome life but I can't stop eating crap and spending money I don't have and it's making me miserable?!
I think that I just have to man the eff up and realise that it is going to be hard to make changes but that that's the only way I'm going to feel any better. I've always been very 'all or nothing' in the past so I'd either be eating super healthy and exercising regularly or I'd just completely give up on everything. And it's hard to go back to 'all' because I'm so out of shape. I suppose the reason that I keep giving up so quickly is because I don't really believe I can do it.
Sorry for the whingey ramble (and for any mistakes as I'm on my phone!) I just wanted to get it out of my head really.
xxx
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