A pair of shorts I bought in April doesn’t fit me anymore. It’s my own fault, of course, because as much as I’ve complained about my weight gain over the last year or so, I’ve done nothing to try to stop it. I don’t even really think about it much until something like this happens, clothes not fitting, and then I get really upset about it.
I wore a size 12 for many years. Around the end of last year I started buying size 14. I wasn’t happy about it, but it didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. But in the spring, I started buying size 16 when most of my size 14’s no longer fit. This particular pair of shorts was oddly uncomfortable in size 16 when I picked them out in April, so I embarrassingly bought a size 18.
This morning, when I had trouble buttoning the size 18’s, I wanted to cry. The thing about not fitting into a size 18 for a woman means that I am now going to start having to wear “plus size.” It’s like a blatant sign in your face that you are now officially obese.
I mean, I already knew I was obese. I weigh 185 now, which is obese for my height. But still. The thought of now having to shop for plus size clothing really makes me sad.
And here’s the sad truth that I know: I’m not going to do anything about it and I’m going to keep gaining weight. I just know I’m not actually going to change anything about my lifestyle. I’m going to cry about it and complain and change nothing. Maybe if I hit 200 pounds that will be enough to snap me out of this? I don’t honestly know.
This is more or less the exact conversation I had with Jayson just before I started writing here:
Jayson: we should go to the beach today
me: you don’t want to go to the beach with me
Jayson: what? I just said that I did
me: I don’t have a swimsuit that fits. And if I did, you wouldn’t want to see me in it
Jayson: I would never not want to see you in anything. I love you and you look great.
me: what if I wore sweat pants and a baggy tshirt to the beach?
Jayson: if that’s what you want to wear.
me: that would probably actually make me feel worse
Jayson: we could go shopping for a new suit for you?
me: I’d have to buy a size 20W!
I literally screamed that sentence at him, and he responded with a blank stare. I’m sure he had no idea what that size even means.
He was being completely loving and supportive, and I finally just told him I was too fat to go to the beach and I wasn’t going. Then I stormed off like a child. He didn’t try to follow me, and he’s just left me alone. He knows that’s best when I’m moody like this.
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