This week is filled with all of our beginnings.
I was to the Dr yesterday. I finally got my diagnosis. Severe anxiety, mild depression and PTSD. That's about what I was thinking anyhow. I was put on Librium. I'm not sure if it's just relief at knowing that I'm not just crazy.. that there is actually something there and that there is help for it, but I slept for the first time in many many years last night. I was surprised to find out that I when I saw this Dr before I was 26. that was 11 years ago. And it was before I married my former husband who drug me and the girls through the gutter. I was dating him at the time. So, there were problems even then. How blind was I to continue with him and allow all of the damage to occur to me and those girls???
I start my Talk Therapy today. I'm a bit more scared of that than I was seeing the psychiatrist. But like I said to the Dr yesterday.. It's been a long trip getting here... I have a LOT of baggage. I'm wanting to unpack that baggage and put it away. The meds are simply to take the edge off of the process and allow me to look at this stuff without having panic attacks.
My 16 year old begins her talk therapy tomorrow. I talked a little about her to my psychiatrist. He was in complete agreement with me that she is in no need of his services at this time. He believes that the psychologist that I have chosen for my daughter and I will be able to help her navigate the waters and bring her to where she needs to be mentally to move forward without the introduction of medications.
My daughter is excited about going. I have also seen much improvement in her since we have been "talking". She has asked that we go tomorrow and get her her driving permit again. She had been so nonchalant about the whole thing.... which to me was a red flag. What kid doesn't want to get their drivers license? She also has been exercising more. Joining me in my workouts when I do them at home and taking it upon herself to do them when I am taking a day off or have doe them in the morning before work while she is at school. She is also studying more for school. She is in finals in her classes right now and this is the most dedicated that I have seen her in her studies.
The 13 year old is still taking a much more relaxed approach to her responsibilities, but she is at least appearing to attempt to do something. She seems to be stuck in her anger at her father for disappearing from her life, returning a few years back, promising her that he would love her and never leave again and then dropping her like a hot potato at the first convenience. She wants to call him and I feel it is not my place to stop her. I warned her about the possible outcomes. For the most part, they seem to be accurate. He changed his phone number. He will not return a message to him from her on facebook. And I expect him to block her on facebook as well. She is not looking for a reunion. But I believe she is hoping for one. She says that she needs to explain to him how angry she is with him so that she can move on. I'm thinking that some therapy for her is probably in order too so that perhaps someone can help her to understand what I have been telling her all along. This is HIS problem. Nothing she says is going to change the situation. She will probably not feel any better after talking to him as she will get no remorse or anything from him except a dialtone. And he will move on with his life and she will be life wondering if she had said something different, said it in a different way.. things might be different. When in actuality the problem lies with him and his inability to care about even his own children.
I will discuss this with my therapist as well and see if she can guide me or if she feels like it may help for her to see her as well.
So, things are going well. I'm staying too busy, Hubby is back out of the country, so it is me and the girls again. We're hanging in there and trying to spend some time together where we can.
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