After my husband passed a lot of unnecessary drama occurred between his family and me and my daughter. To summarize, his mother and his brother hurt us as much as his death did over and over and over again. Instead of coming together, helping each other with this tragedy, it became more of a nightmare, made it worse. Some day may be I'll write every thing down here as a catharsis, I don't know.
My MIL always had an Xmas party with the whole extended family, cousins, uncles, etc. Tonight she is having the party again. Me, my daughter and my SIL (another awful story about my SIL and BIL divorcing, because of BIL's actions and how he treats her now) are not going because: Me--Not invited I am not part of the family any more; my daughter--not going because her uncle (BIL) hurt her so badly she does not want to see him and he refused to come late and let her at least come by and say hello; SIL--because she doesn't want to be around BIL and his new wife, hurts her too much.
Any way, as I talked to SIL last night on the phone, I started thinking it wasn't supposed to be this way. We expected to be part of this family for the rest of our lives, to grow old together, be part of family mile stones, to take our children to family events, be part of each other's lives. But instead we are not part of any thing any more. It breaks my heart.
It also just doesn't seem fair that we hurt and they just go on partying, I am floundering here a little in my thoughts. But my husband died and SIL's husband divorced her and we suffer and they don't. I know I've been told do you really want to be with people like that? And I don't but I wish it could of been different. And I'm mean enough to want them all to hurt like we've been hurt. Just doesn't seem right that they've broken our hearts and actually don't even acknowledge that they did.
I keep thinking about that stupid party all night, was so upset I binge ate again. GRRR. Will I ever not do that!!! I have to get this under control. I am doing a lot better but still it comes over me some times. I do not want to regain the weight I lost. NO, a better statement is I WILL NOT regain the weight I lost. I will not let the demons win. I will not undo this great accomplishment!!! I refuse to let it get control of me.
I think next time I feel I want to eat, I'll exercise or get in the car and drive some place. That's my plan. And I'll see if writing it down here helps me. This week I'll plan what I will eat each day and if I want to divert, I will either pick up my weights or get in the car.
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