I just love coming here every day, and reading along as you all live your lives and succeed at it. Though I don’t write my own entries very often, you guys all give me hope every day as I read!
So…I have reached the conclusion that there will be no grand-babies in my immediate future. And while I know that neither of my girls have EVER wanted motherhood for themselves, I know I was secretly still holding out hope that they would have a change of heart. The pride and love and peace that my children give me is one of the best things in life, and I admit to a certain sadness that they will never get to appreciate that.
Also…(and this is selfish, but I’m going to type it anyway, because if I can’t tell YOU…then who could I tell?) without them becoming a mother themselves, they will NEVER understand the depth of love that I feel for them, or the reasons for some of my actions, or an understanding of the sacrifices a mother makes. The little grudges they hold against me for slights real or imagined in their childhoods will always be there, because they will never face a decision like....feed the kids, or pay the cable bill…allow them to miss curfew, or give consequences so they learn responsibility…and the like.
But…it’s not happening. Oh, there’s still a chance that Nick will fall in love one day, get married, and give me grandchildren, but at 22…women aren’t even on his radar yet. He sleeps, he works, he pours money into his Camaro, and he plays video games. How and when a women will work her way into that mix, I don’t know. So…maybe in 5 years, or even 10, there’s a chance that I will have a little one to bounce on my knee…it’s not happening soon.
So…I plan to take my pension from the state as soon as I am able, (three years, but who’s counting?) and relocate to Florida! For at least a few years, I want a little space, a little peace, a little house of my own, where I can hear the ocean, smell the sea air, and just find myself again. I’ll have to work part time, my pension will be just enough to keep a roof over my head, and Social Security won’t kick in for a full 7 years after I semi-retire, but no more sitting at a desk 8 hours a day.
I’ve set the wheels in motion…even packed up a few boxes that are labeled FLORIDA BOOKSHELF, and have started looking at 55+ retirement communities. I know from experience that 36 months can go by in the blink of an eye…and I’m ready!
I’ve set my IPOD to Jimmy Buffett, my course south, and I’m looking forward to a big change, coming soon! The future may not be the one I expected, but that doesn’t mean I can’t look forward to it!
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