My heart and my head seem to be in some colossal war. My head tells me that I will survive this, in reality I know I will....but my heart is screaming in my chest. Screaming that this can’t be happening. Screaming it’s pain and loss and frustration. My heart is broken, so very very broken. I don’t know how to handle this level of grief. That’s why I’ve chosen the anonymity of this blog. Some people know about it and know who I am outside of this place but those who do also know that I value my privacy and wouldn’t share what I put here with anyone. So I’m free to revel in my confusion and grief here even when I feel I must be strong for everyone else outside of these confines.
How do you even begin to begin the healing process after a loss so deep that you can’t even see the other side of the deep chasm you are staring into? My head is processing, processing, processing....planning her Celebration of Life, picking out jewelry urns for all of us have a piece of her with us forever. I seem to be handling things so well, and in truth I suppose I am. I’m keeping busy. I have to keep myself occupied. When I stop doing things I’m forced to remember, to feel…It hurts so much to feel right now. I’m beginning to think it will always hurt this much to feel. At least to feel these things. I suppose it’s part of the process....what a seriously fucked up process. I just keep thinking about a funny saying that I heard a million years ago…“Stop the world, I wanna get off” I am not sure there is anything more true in my life right now. No, I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to die…I just want time to stop. Actually I want to go back about a year and freeze time. When things were great, the world was wonderful and I wasn’t the mother of a dead child. There should be a word for this....spouses are either widows or widowers....but parents who have lost a child have no name. I guess there’s simply no single word that can encompass such a horrific tragedy.
Loading comments...