The weird thing about being in the US while the rest of my family (and friends) live in the UK is that news always seems so…distant.
A few months ago, my mum gave me a call and nonchalantly told me she had cancer. Hearing your mum has cancer over Skype is pretty weird. You want to hug her. You want to give her all this support and physically be there for her. But instead, the news comes across like she’s just said “I bought a new hat”.
And the pain in the arse of it all is that she’d left it late to tell me. She’d already been going through some treatment. So, basically, she only told me when she was out of the thick of it.
That’s the problem with my mum. She can be a proper spanner sometimes. She doesn’t really understand the importance of things. She’ll only tell people she has cancer when she has no hair left and her daily pain in unbearable. Otherwise, she’ll go at it alone. That irks the fuck out of me, all truth told.
And I feel shit that I couldn’t be along with her for the journey. It feels weird that…well…my mum could have died and I’m over here twiddling my thumbs like a bell-end.
I’m not often reminded of the distance between me and my UK peeps, but this hit home. In all honesty, I felt a bit…jealous. Jealous of those that could be there to support her.
Don’t get me wrong, cancer’s a wanker. Cancer can royally fuck off. It’s just that a part of me wants to be there for my mum, you know? Especially since she and I aren’t as close as we once were.
At the same time, the distance between me and my mum actually got a little bigger. You see, shortly after she told me about the ol’ cancer, I told her about how I attempted suicide late last year.
My mum doesn’t really function like a real mum, sometimes. She functions like a fairytale mum. She doesn’t really weigh up the size of what she’s told before she’s pouting these little spurts of sage old wisdom. It’s cute and, more times than not, it helps. But when your mum says, “Ooh, was it a cry for help?” after telling her you tried to kill yourself, it’s all a bit disheartening.
I’m not saying my suicide attempt should trump her cancer. Not at all. but it would have been nice for her to give it a little more gravitas. I’m chalking it up to her having a lot on her plate, but I’m not entirely sure. She just seemed a bit vacant about it all.
Anyway, I’m chuffed to bits that she’s finished all her radiotherapy and whatnot now. She had her first hike the other day and that speaks volumes.
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