I had an epiphany today. Okay, that makes it sound more profound than it is. A light went on, though.
I’m not racist. I’m not going to pull out all the ways I can prove that, if such a thing can even be done (partly because the more anyone does that, the more racist they look). But I’m not. We’ll leave it at that. I spend way too much time on Facebook and have been reading so many articles about White Privilege and all kinds of other catch phrases that my eyes have begun to glaze over. “I’M not racist. Really! I can’t help it that I was born white in this society!”
Then I read this article, “I, Racist.“
Read it. Go on.
All of a sudden, many things came into clear focus. I read what the author actually SAID, not what I so often hear when the concepts of white privilege and racism come up. This in particular resonated with me: “The result of this is an incessantly repeating argument where a Black person says ‘Racism still exists. It is real,’ and a white person argues ‘You’re wrong, I’m not racist at all. I don’t even see any racism.’“
It dawned on me that I have had this exact same conversation, except with men, on the topic of sexual harrassment and creepy men. Tell me, friends, if this sounds at all familiar to you:
Creepy guy: Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!
Me: Ugh. He gives me the creeps.
Male friend: What? Why? I like him.
Me: Just trust me, he’s a creep. He would look you up and down if you were a woman.
Male friend: But he’s really nice!
Me: You’re a guy. He’s not leering at you.
This is often where the conversation ends, both parties agreeing to disagree; sometimes the male friend is even persuaded. But sometimes it proceeds like this:
Male friend: You think I’m okay with a creep just because I’m a guy? I’m not a creep.
Me: That’s… not what I said. At all.
Male friend: So I don’t have a say just because I’m a guy?
Me: Unless you’re a target, you don’t see it.
UNLESS YOU’RE A TARGET, YOU DON’T SEE IT.
It dawned on me that all the frustrating conversations I’ve had with men are very similar to the ones black people probably have with their white friends. Deny, take it personally, do anything except take your friend’s word for it and stop making it about you.
Don’t misunderstand, I’m not completely blind to racism in our society. It’s still a real problem, and I already knew that. But I don’t live it in a hundred tiny ways all day, every day. It is not something that those rednecks in another part of the country engage in, and none of my friends ever have to put up with. No, it’s part of the fabric of our culture.
There was more (much more) to the article, but this right here is what dawned on me today. I have been in a position where a creepy man was victimizing a friend, and no one in a position of power or authority did anything until the situation nearly exploded. The men who could have done something about it are really decent people. They don’t stalk women, leer at women or even hate women. They just didn’t see it. They didn’t believe it was all that bad. They weren’t the target. So they did nothing until it was almost too late.
My reflexive “Not me! I’m not one of them!” has nothing to do with the conversation at hand. It’s like the male friend whose immediate response is to defend himself when he, as an individual, is not under attack in the first place. No, I’m not a racist, but I’m white in a world where that is a huge advantage. I can use that advantage to defend my hurt feelings, or I can use it to start a conversation about something very important.
Loading comments...