You ever look at your significant other and think, “just shut up now so you won’t be living alone and eating dog food in the coming months”. I swear my husband seriously grates my nerves on some occasions. It’s like he knows how to push all the wrong buttons. It’s been difficult dealing with him lately. It’s almost like we’ve been living together so long that we are starting to pick at each other like siblings. Worst part is, he cannot handle any “emotional outburst” from me. He doesn’t think I should ever be or ever have a right to be mad about anything. I give the same emotional response to everything. I laugh with gusto, I cry rivers when I’m sad, I talk too much when I’m nervous like a rat running in a wheel, etc. So why does it come as a surprise to him when I get angry and it burns brighter than the sun. He feels if everything I get angry about is just “minor” things. Like I don’t have a right to my own emotions or something.
Our daughter’s birthday was March 28th. I had to work, therefore I told him he would have to plan the party. The tricky thing about weather in Indiana in March is that it changes too often to be reliable. Our house is too small to host our friends and the park would have been perfect except it suddenly turned cold. I sent him a link of a list of all local kids entertainment places. I work 12 hour days and I’ve been battling serious exhaustion issues since I’ve had the SVT (supraventricular tachycardia) episode in December. So I can’t drink caffeine. He didn’t plan anything. A week went by, two weeks, and it is now April 15th and my daughter has not had a birthday party or presents from us. I buy her toys and clothes constantly so I don’t know if that counts. My guilt says it doesn’t. He doesn’t understand that I just want him to step up a little.
Today he left me in a restaurant chasing my daughter around trying to catch her with one arm, the diaper bag in another, plus a drink. He was sitting in his crappy two door car (which I advised him not to buy because getting the toddler in and out would be an issue). My daughter was having a fit. She scratched me, she hit me, pinched me and when I got her into the car: she bit me. My drink I set on top of the car but not good enough because it spilled all over the side of the car. He told me that he thought I was playing with her and didn’t need his help. This was after in the restaurant he told me to pay with my debit card and not my credit card. I was so upset and he told me to just get over it.
We ended up going to the store where I was trying to turn the day around by getting his opinion on children’s toys for our friend’s kids. He ignored me. Not even like he didn’t hear me but that when I’d pick out a toy he’d either shrug or look another way to avoid my getting his answer. He’s been like this for years so it shouldn’t surprise me but I get tired of doing everything. Years ago, I did all of the house hunting, set up meetings with the realtor, chased down locations, called banks about mortgages. Then when I got pregnant, again I had to do everything by myself. I went to all the doctor appointments by myself. He only came to one and that was the one where we found out it would be a girl.
I don’t want to tell him what to do because he’s a grown man, I just want him to help out without my asking because, even to me, my asking starts sounding like nagging. Like, Josh, my hands are full can you take some groceries. And I could even live with some of this is he allowed me to be angry. I told him last year that if he didn’t like the party I planned then he could do it next year. And believe you me, I was true to my word and that is why my daughter didn’t get a second birthday party this year. Goodness forbid he does anything without someone planning everything for him. He doesn’t even take her for any doctor’s appts. I do that.
I understand he was at work all day today but having a VERY active toddler is work too. And I don’t get a break because her naps only last 45 minutes. I love my daughter. I just want a bathroom break by myself like he gets. Fair is fair. But yet if I say anything, I’m complaining or over emotional. He tells me “don’t get excited” or “bitch, be cool” (the second I must explain is a “Pulp Fiction” movie quote). I hate it when he tells me these things. So i’m going to be unemotional with him from now on. Treat him the way he treats me with his monotone voice. He can also pick out the gifts for our friends kids and wrap them. I usually do these things. I’ve just been too accommodating over the years. I even let him spend our anniversary hanging out with his friends. I’m just so overwhelmed and over burdened. I do ALL the laundry too.
If I wanted to live like a single mother, I would be single. And he wonders why we don’t have sex more often. Sorry but I don’t have sex with someone I can’t stand and he’s getting to the point where I really can’t stand him. I want to say that I’m over thinking things too much but he can spend an hour and a half playing video games but he can’t spend five minutes changing a diaper. I would like to play video games too. I would like to read a book. I would like to bake my daughter a birthday cake eventually!!!! I’m just going to go to bed angry and pray that one of us gets called into work tomorrow.
Goodnight and may your morning be more pleasant than mine.
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