Ugh in Caution Change Ahead

I felt like writing, but I also felt the need to get out of my house. So, I got my stuff together, got myself together, made a pit stop at daycare with dry pants for the kid, and got myself to a coffee shop to write something. Problem is well over an hour has passed since I felt that NEED to write and now I have ZERO desire to be doing this. FUCK....story of my life. I’m full of great ideas, but when I get around to actually working on one of them I have lost all desire to follow through. I suck at life. I suck in general. This constant go-around in my head of the should do’s and the want to do’s and the need to do’s and the complete lack of actual action is one of, if not the most, frustrating thing about depression. I have a war in my head every minute of every day and it is exhausting.
I saw my Psychiatrist today. That felt like a waste of time. He upped my anti depressant back up to the dose he took me off of a few months ago. He upped my anxiety medication dose…I’ve already upped on my own, so that’s not going to help any and he took me off of Abilify…due to overeating. Overeating? Fuck…I don’t need to be on or off of a medication for that. That has been my life for as long as I can remember.
I’m so over being miserable and afraid all the time. I’m so FRUSTRATED it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. I am the only one who can make the necessary changes, but as noted above....I lack in the action department.
I started reading a book today that was recommended to me “Furiously Happy”. I got one paragraph in and was over it. The writer seemed to just be making fun or making light of her mental illness and I am definitely not at a point in my life where I can see the humour in this illness. However, as much as I thought the style of writing sucked, I did get one little A-ha! moment from the little that I did read…my anxiety is caused due to my fear of failure. And, it quickly came together in my head that it’s not failure on a grand scale that I’m afraid of…it’s failure in the smallest of ways that affect me - failing to meet a guests expectations or needs on a call at work, failure of meeting the KPI’s at work, failure of paying a bill on time, failing my child for not wanting to color, play Minecraft, fly a kite - whatever the activity is I fail him every single day because I don’t feel like doing any kind of activity. I do have fear based on bigger things like what if I get fired or what if we get evicted and one would think that the size of those fears would be what keeps me up at night or what gives me those horrible butterflies in my tummy but it’s the small things. A million little things add up to one fucked up way of thinking and living for me.
I keep saying over and over in my head I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep feeling like this, but what the fuck else am I going to do or feel if I don’t start making the changes necessary?! Basically I care waaay too much about the small stuff but at the same time I give zero fucks. How is that even possible?!
I often wonder what happiness and relaxation feel like. I bet it’s blissful. Well, truth be told, I do know that it is blissful. I have had the fortune of having tiny little snippets very rarely in my life, but I am hanging on to those memories with a tight grip. These are the only things that give me a sliver of hope. I remember one moment in particular…Rob & I were visiting his friends at Shuswap for the first time. I was nervous to hang out with them as they had been (and still are) very good friends with Rob’s ex-wife. When we arrived to their site I could hear his friend and his wife arguing that she didn’t want to spend the afternoon alone with me while the guys went golfing. How’s that for a nice welcome?! Well, the guys went golfing anyway and I spent the afternoon with my friend Anxiety....this really has nothing to do with the happy memory. ANYWAY…when Rob got back from golfing it was dark out and quite late. He could tell I wasn’t happy, so the two of us went for a walk to the beach. I think it was really late in the summer or early fall because the lake was really low and you could walk on the beach quite a ways out. We got out quite far into the sand, away from the lights of the resort and we looked up at the stars. In that moment I felt total and pure relaxation. I remember telling Rob that I even felt 2 inches taller because for the first time in what felt like a lifetime I had no weight on my shoulders. I felt light and care-free. I long for that feeling again. I want to feel that way for more than a few moments. I want to wake up in the morning free from the weight of worry and sadness. I want to feel the same way I did on that beach 8 years ago. I want it so bad it brings tears to my eyes. How can I get there again. How can I shed the worry and guilt that I carry around day after day? I am the only one who can make that happen....and I’m lost. I’m lost and lonely and scared and worried all the fucking time. This is no life.