Coffee Shop Ramblings in Caution Change Ahead

It’s 3:10pm and I’m sitting in a coffee shop researching a business opportunity when I should be at home cleaning. My life revolves around cleaning or the lack of it really. I did one bathroom yesterday. One room down, so many more to go. I have 4 weeks less 2 days until I return to work. Queue anxiety with that thought.
I’ve been feeling very anxious today and really guilty. I think it’s because I have been putting off calling my mom. I was supposed to call her last Wednesday. It’s Tuesday now. It pisses me off that the responsibility of keeping in touch with my own mother is solely mine. Why the fuck can’t she pick up the phone and call me? Probably because chances are I’d just let it go to voicemail. I hate talking on the phone. I hate that my mother is 72 and refuses to learn anything technological like email or texting. Life would be so much easier if I could just text her.
I’ve been lying to my mom for over a month now. She thinks I’m still working. Soon enough I will be back to work and hopefully this guilt ends with that. I know I should have just told her I was taking time off, but I can only hear that tone in her voice so often…disappointment and disbelief. Many times my mom has reminded me that I could have it so much worse and asks me do I know how lucky I am. Her disbelief of my illness and her point of view that it’s all in my head is infuriating. Fuck. I’m going to have to call her eventually. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Depends on how long I can handle the guilt and anxiety resting on my shoulders as a result of this.
In other news....
I have had 2 counselling sessions with a new Psychologist and I go back again this Thursday morning. It’s going ok, but I’m concerned that we won’t have time to talk about my return to work and how to cope with that. Dr. V keeps saying “let’s not worry about that now”. I get 6 sessions with her. Thursday will be session 3 and I return to work in 4 weeks. Do the math. I’m going to be an anxious wreck when I go back to work with no newly developed coping skills…but I’ll be damn good at recognizing 3 things daily that I am proud of myself for. The whole fucking point that I am not working right now is because I couldn’t handle the amount of anxiety that working is causing me. I honestly believe that I cannot work due to my illness, but no one else seems to agree with me. This isn’t the first time I have had to take a stress leave. In fact it has happened with every single job I have had since I have been in the adult workforce. Is it a matter of finding the right job for me or does that even exist?
I’m just so unhappy with everything in my life right now. I’m not happy in my marriage for a variety of reasons. I’m not happy being a mother. I have zero energy for and zero interest in my friends. I want to run away and start a new life where no one knows me and where I have no responsibilities other than to myself. I hate being an adult. I’m 39 - I wonder when I will get used to it.