There are a variety of reasons for the frustration that I am feeling. I made the mistake of reading one of my last entries from 3 years ago, and it appears that in 3 years nothing has changed. I feel exactly the same as I did then. I’m struggling with the same things as I was then. How is it possible to feel this shitty for this long and to not have done anything about it?!
PJ was sick Tuesday and Wednesday, so he was home with me. I love my child, I really truly do, but having him home with me was…frustrating. I had plans for this week, and having him home derailed that. I feel like I have lost traction. Although in all honesty, what would I have really gotten done without him home? Probably nothing. I don’t know where to start or how to change. I’m so sick of feeling like this. If I am nothing else, I am a master procrastinator.
This doesn’t feel as good as it did last week. I’m have a choking feeling when it comes to writing about how I am feeling. I’m going to try just listing the words instead of explaining. Explaining can come another day I guess.
How I feel RIGHT NOW
Irritated
Annoyed
Resentful
Discouraged
Ashamed
Discouraged
Hopeless
Guilty
Dissatisfied
Disgusting
Indecisive
Lost
Useless
Alone
Fatigued
Pathetic
Anxious
Worried
Restless
Tormented
Desperate
That is quite the list. Goddamn that’s a lot to be feeling all at once. No wonder I am tired all the time. Part of my depression is my lack of motivation, or as I see it, my lack of energy to get anything done. Carrying around these feelings all the time don’t allow for much more in my life. I barely parent. I cook, but never clean up. I have zero interest in showering or more so drying my hair, doing makeup and getting dressed. I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had sex - I just don’t feel like it. I say that a lot, to just about everything - I just don’t feel like it. Seems to me I have too many feelings - the bad ones.
I’m waiting to hear back from a Psychologist through my EFAP. I’m torn between looking forward to getting started with counselling again - a teeny tiny bit hopeful, but the majority of me is dreading it. I’m sick of telling my “story” (which is pretty short - I don’t know how I ended up this way - good childhood, no major life trauma thus far, lots of friends, good jobs.) I only have 6 sessions covered by EFAP, so I’m feeling pressure to get “cured” in a short amount of time and feeling like that isn’t possible.
If someone out there reads this, and you are so inclined, please pray for me. Please pray that I can get my life in order and live the last half of my life with less of the above feelings and more of the good ones.
I keep saying “I can’t handle this much longer”, but what other choice do I have?! THAT is frustrating.
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