Tears open up everythin in A Series of Events

I am trying. I am trying to write more…to be open. its a hard process. Its like opening something you didnt know you could but know you have to, to save something you love. Didn help that i cried. Sigh just another emotional broad. We fight like people change clothes sometimes just as much and with as little reason. I hold so much back that i end up screaming at him to understand me, im not getting what i need, and your not listening to me. To him its just all bitching. And twist it around. then its a mess that gets bigger and we have nights like last night where he goes off. More than half the shit he was spouting off was wrong. But it was coming from a place if anger and hurt. I get that. Thats the difference i try not to do that. I urge and urge that i need something to change and he hears me just bitching and it turns into that. Its a nasty little cycle that repeats. and i just cant do that anymore. He thinks im fucking around on him, and well im not. He rejects me sexually but i still havent strayed, sometimes i wonder why i keep taking it. I dont feel wanted by him, as we go to bed its the same. I lay there wondering, hoping, and if anything does on the off chance its well more for him than it was for me. and well then i just go to sleep feeling disappointed and still rejected. Or when nothing happens i feel rejected. I wanted someone to crave me like i craved them. I had one week of that. Where we were a team, and mentally we were together and physically it was beyond amazing. But i was holding my breathe and then everything happened and was right back to the way it was and i was miserable realizing what i could have, what im missing out. Thats what i want all the time not just one day. dont i deserve that? ive been though so much that this one person could be so much, so much real potential to have a true partner in life. Sigh i dont know.