written 10/10/1999
Well, as i was saying, I think I don't have any area of my life other than sex in which imagination is better for me than the real thing. I mean, I have sometimes walked into Baskin-Robins, made a decision of the best ice cream flavor, and then walked out with diet cola. But that was only because I couldn't have the real thing. Or I could, but the price was to high. But, to extend the analogy, what is the price for sex that is so high that I'd rather imagine it than do it? It's not pregnancy or AIDS because I'm always protected…
So.......
That afternoon Odie called me up at work to tell me how the pictures had come out. It was a really good feeling to share this adventure between us, finally planning and doing something fun. He asked me "are there many people around? Or can you make any sound you want?" I haven't had this exciting feeling that something is GOING ON in my life for quite a while. The things that go on are whether or not he'll ask me to lend him money and how much will it be this month … not nice, exciting things. Combined with the fact that I haven't been enjoying school for a while, this episode was a real perk in my adrenaline. I couldn't wait to go home and see the pictures. I got home at about 21:00, Odie was supposed to arrive at midnight. But at the door I was greeted by my friend Soy who happened to stop by (with a paper she needed my help on) and also happens to be a professional photographer.. anyway, I ended up showing her the pictures. Odie would have had a heart attack if he knew. He said he didn't mind as long as he could show MY pictures to HIS friends. I did not agree. But I have the excuse that Soy really was looking at everything from a very professional angle… She said they were good, by the way. I couldn't believe I had shown anyone nude pictures of me, but I had been in such a carefree, sexual mood that day that I didn't mind.
The pictures themselves - well, did I already mention that I'm fat? I couldn't help but notice how bad. But some of these pictures were so explicit that they really turned me on. Isn't that awful - Being turned on by pictures of yourself?… Odie looked really good in them too - he had some moody, brooding ones in which he looked like "The Depressed Poet Having an Exceptionally Serious Moment". He looked good but not that sexy.
Well, let me just say that the next 2 days were really good - we felt that we had solved all our problems BUT - since then I have had no desire to have sex again. Odie is pretty disappointed - he's pressuring me to make that appointment with the sexologist. And since we're not fighting and making up I'm thinking more about this relationship and where it's going - not happy thoughts.
Well, before I fall asleep in front of the computer, I'll bid farewell to you, dear diary, and see you on lighter days…
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