Open Mouth in Adventures From Prison

My neighbor (the same guy from the Presbyterian story) came back inside the other day as I was making coffee. As he took off his jacket, we chatted over the cube wall separating us. “How are you today?” I asked him. “Feeling fat and gassy,” he replied.
I laughed. Last year this guy was outside daily running half marathons for fun. Gassy? Well we all have our bad days, so I joked, “Well stay over there then.”
Him being a goofball of course comes straight over to me. He’s wearing his khaki’s, which I never see him in, and I take one look at him and laugh. The belly of his button down shirt was bulging comically. “Ha ha, very funny,” I snicker.
He looks at me strangely. “What?” “What have you got shoved in your shirt? A blanket?” “You asshole,” he scowls at me. “I told you I’ve been feeling fat.” “Very nice try. I almost believed you.”
He raises up his shirt and shows me his stomach and the inside of his shirt. It’s just him. “Oh…shit.” I gasped. “Yeah, you jerk.” “I am so sorry.” I whispered. “You have like no social skills, do you?” he asked. “Not really.” “I can tell.” “I just thought…“ “To call the kettle black, Mr. Pot?” He shakes his head, leaving the cube.
Of course he doesn’t stay angry with me, but never one to miss an opportunity to tease me, he shared his story with all our friends. Boy have they had some good laughs at my expense.
This time I probably deserved it.
Sadly, this slip is long overdue and nearly happened at home about eight years ago when I almost asked one of my wife’s co-workers when she was due. My wife, reading my mind in that freaky way she does, whispered in my ear. “No, she’s not pregnant, she’s just been going to the bar a lot since her boyfriend left her.” “I wasn’t going to ask”, I lied. “Yes, you were,” she said and pulled me away.
Skinny girls should not get beer bellies.
The same should be said for athletic people.
Maybe I should write and suggest Trump make it a law. Thus sparing us cock-eyed optimist moments of mortifying embarrassment and ridicule.
He’d probably go for that.
P.S. I do not support Trump in any way but especially when it’s for the Presidency! Unless, of course, he decides to give every prisoner a puppy – and even then it would be reluctantly.