I have aligned my life perfectly in Deadline to Detox

I have this superhero ability(curse.) I can cut you off in a single bound. I’m not a bitch, this is my “self-protection” method. People stress me the hell out.
I’m no therapist, (but wait! as soon as I get over this people anxiety, that will be my next career-surely there are others like me!) but I know where I got this wonderful gift from. I was one of the front porch kids, waiting on a dad who showed up, sometimes. The other times I was forced to wallow in my misery. The first few times I went months without talking to him hurt real bad. Then I learned to block it....outta sight outta mind. Hence, this gift was born. (My dad’s not a bad man, I understand him a lot more now, than I did then. I think we are a lot alike.)
As an adult, the first person to get blocked was an aunt. Over some silly bull crap-thatIcanstillremembereverydetailof. The second was an uncle-yep,cantellyoueverythingthatthathappenedthatday. Then another nameless family member, but that block didn’t last. I remember my Nanny telling me one day: you are going to be lonely one day, the way you just go on like this. Of course that shocked me! Don’t you know what those people did to me? They hurt me!
I love people, I really do. I used to be a person that was very social, I loved to laugh. I’ve always been a homebody, but I still kept in touch. Fast forward to my days where I was doing some things I shouldn’t. I didn’t want to talk to people while I was drunk, they would be able to tell.....and why would Carly be drinking on a Monday night? That’s not right. Move on to the other days, where it wasn’t just drinking. Oh yeah, I could talk then, just not when I was sober. Unless I was talking to you about getting something, I wasn’t going to talk to you unless everything was just…right.
So then I take my turn at going to the hopsital. I get out, knowing I don’t want to talk to my party friend aka moma. Also knowing some of D’s family have voiced their opinions about me. Welp, now their out. I kept in touch with my dad for a few months, but that faded too.
My doctor told me that withdrawing from people was bad, and would end up hurting me. I didn’t believe that so much. He pushed meetings like there was no tomorrow. My husband did too. He kept telling me, locking my self in this room wasn’t good for me. What? How could he know? In this room, I am safe, I am protected. I can’t let anyone down, no one can be mad at me, I can’t disappoint anyone. D told me one time, this isn’t you, you like people. And that’s true....at least some people.
In my head, my best friend is still the same one I had in high school. I love that girl. I know she has tried to get in touch with me this year, but I’m still in hiding. I miss her. I did nothing but laugh when I was with her. But I haven’t been a very good best friend to her.
I think of this sentence 20 times a day, when I am off work: Gee Carly, you have aligned your life beautifully. I rarely leave Ola. I go to the gas station daily, most of my friends from the Texaco have moved on. The girl at the BP is sweet, and the older white guy is pretty funny. The guy that works at the BP on weekends is not too nice. I wonder what happened to they guy that used to work with a gun. I miss the daily catchups with the old group from Texaco though. Back to the beautiful alignment, my social media is up and down. I’ll turn my page on and turn it right back off. I have hundreds of unread messages, I have 3460 unread emails (mostly junk I’m sure) I’m sure I’ve missed some important updates from people. I have a phone, that I have allowed my 6 year to take ownership of. I use it during the day to talk to my husband, or my kids, but at 2:45 it becomes his. He “allows” me to borrow it occasionally, but most of the time I don’t even bother. I know Derrick will do the nightly check in with Hailey, or the other kids, if they happen to be all spending the night off, so I don’t need to check it really. I have gotten 3 cards this past year, and that was an awesome surprise, but then I didn’t have to talk back to those. I could just feel all warm and bubbly to think that someone thought of me. That was nice, with no added pressure.
I have just recently talked to my mom, 3 times, for the first time in a year. We used to be so close and talk daily. I take it in small doses. Even my coworkers are virtual. I love my jobs....and I mean love with all caps!, but I don’t really know those people. We spend 12 hours a day in chat rooms together, and my manager has made us an incredible team. We all work really hard to keep her numbers lower than the other guys, and she is awesome at making us feel like we are part of a team. Even though, in reality, I am in my room....alone…with a headset. My other new found friend that causes me no pressure is my Kindle. Well first we got off on a rocky start.....the first two books she recommended by my history…included a book that started with a drug deal gone bad, followed by a crazy woman that hurt her babies and self. After some just finding my own books, and ignoring her suggestions, our relationship has blossomed. She helps me escape.
Somehow I have never been able to, or wanted to use this abliltiy on D or the kids. Never. I’ll take their stress any day of the week. They are my reason for taking any step to try and better myself. I want them to be proud, and I want them to know how much they mean to me. I think they know.
I’m not crazy, psycho or a bitch. I’m none of those. The usually me, is loyal to a fault. I’m way too judgmental, and I’ll give my advice, but if you don’t take it, that’s all good. If someone hurts my friend, then I know I should hate that person too, and I will. I’ve always been bad about holding grudges, but that needs to be reigned back a little bit. My family has forgiven me, I need to do the same. Again, to restate this fact, I’m not a bitch. I’m not cold, and I love people. In protecting myself, I have shut out everyone that I love. I will occasionally let someone in, but only for 5 minutes or so. Then I’m back in my shell.
I miss people, I miss some people, I miss my people.