Haven’t been feeling inspired to write in here. First of all, I’m rarely here, anyway. I feel bad because I’m SO MUCH WORSE at keeping up with people here than I was back on OD. Maybe it’s also because I feel that my entries end up just being me complaining about how my life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to, and I’ll be 29 in May and have nothing to show for my age. I compare myself to my brother, who had had a steady teaching job for 4 years when he was 29, he got engaged right before he turned 27 and was married a month before turning 29.
I’m still struggling to get hours at Sephora. On the plus side, for all the seasonal people we hired, only 2 are going to stay with us permanently (when I stayed last year, I stayed with 7 others) and we have actually had a couple people leave (one was Anthony, which made me SO sad because he’s awesome–but he cuts my hair so I’ll still see him). Cori started his last semester of grad school and we’re trying to figure out when he should start looking for jobs. Probably soon, if not now. I feel bad that I’m not going to ever probably be making much money… and yet we’ve had conversations about money, and I just realized that I would feel REALLY weird if we had a joint account, it’s technically his money, and I go and like… use that money to get my hair cut or buy makeup. I mean, I’m not stupid and I’m not irresponsible. I would feel bad if I used $20 of his money to buy a foundation. And I trim my hair every 10-12 weeks… that’s about $40. It’s not like I’m getting weekly hair extensions. And I assume I will always have some type of job, even if it’s not 9-5 or if it doesn’t have benefits, so theoretically I will always have some of my own money, but… I’ve always been such a mooch. My parents have always helped me more than they are obligated. And I fear never being able to pay them back.
We talk about the future. The more realistic we are, the less happy I am about our prospects. I don’t see us being able to buy a house that isn’t a dump. I don’t think Cori should buy me a real diamond in an engagement ring (I even told him he should go with a really nice band and a CZ). I’m basically infertile, so I doubt we will have kids because I may not be a candidate for IVF, and surrogacy and adoption are just… out of our reach, expense-wise. And see ? That’s all I ever talk about in here. I talk about my regrets and my pessimism regarding my future, and my jealousy of everyone else.
I visited Amanda last Sunday to give her her Christmas gifts and we Facetime’d (is that what it’s called ?) with Heather and her new baby ! He’s a month old and very cute, but again, I couldn’t help but see this baby and feel… empty. And the thing is, Heather had to do IVF ! If anyone deserves a child, she and Chase do ! And I’m not jealous of THEM… but I’m jealous that they can at least have children, and they did have insurance cover some IVF and they were able to use some savings without totally going broke and they both work from home and Chase’s company even gives him 3 months of paid paternity leave…
We also went back to Virginia right before New Year’s, and came back January 7th. As always, I never want to leave. I miss my parents. I hate being so far from them (and really, 530 miles isn’t SO far). I miss my dog. This apartment is great, I’m so glad we got it, but it’s small for us for the price we’re paying. We’re really feeling squeezed. I hate living on a hill. I hate not being able to control the heat or having an inefficient air conditioner that only cools one room and then the rest of the apartment is 90 degrees.
I always cry when it’s time for us to leave. I love my parents. I miss them. I lived at home until I was 27, so really I’m just being a big baby about everything. But they were my support system, in many ways, for my whole life. I love Cori. We get along so wonderfully and I love him and want to be with him. He’s my support now, but he can’t support me right now. I do different things with my mom, and I have so much fun with my mom. I know they say you can’t be best friends with your mom, but whoever said that is stupid. Amanda and Heather are my best friends, but my mom is truly truly my best friend. I can go to her for ANYTHING. If I become homeless, she will take me in. She’s always said, “As long as I have a roof over my head, you have a roof over yours.” She’s done so much for me. I’m getting watery eyes as I type this. I want to do so much for her, and I can’t. I want to pay off the new car she HAD to get (because her other car, my former car, basically exploded), and I can’t. I want to take her to Europe, but I can’t. I want to cook her breakfast, lunch, and dinner, for the next year, but I can’t (we did cook a few AMAZING meals when we visited). All these ways I want to pay her back, I should’ve done while I was there.
This sucks.
Also, I’ve gained so much weight… and I have no motivation to lose it. Not like I used to. I don’t even want to say how much I weigh. All that work, and I undid it due to sadness and stress. I don’t like walking or jogging by myself around here, and I can’t really afford a gym membership and we don’t have any near us, anyway. No room for exercise equipment in the apartment (I used to LOVE using my brother and SIL’s elliptical). My eating habits aren’t as good as they used to be, but they’re not bad. It’s really exercise for me. I have been known to not change my eating habits at all, but pay attention to exercising moderately and still lost weight. So it’s my fault… I just need motivation. And missing my family, not knowing if we will move this June/July, not knowing what is happening with my job or Cori’s… I use it as an excuse. I shouldn’t, but I do. And the worst part is that I use my weight to bring me down… but being down in the first place, I lost motivation to keep exercising and gained weight. So I don’t know what had the biggest impact. Anyway…
Yeah, Sephora… I still love working there, and I’ve been learning more about color from my co-workers and Anthony, and have had a couple color shifts (which are fun, but on the whole the clients are a little more… difficult). I’ve always wanted to go to cosmetology school, but I remember telling people in high school and would always get the side-eye and people would tell me that’s not a job. And it sucks, because I could have taken some courses at the career center, then finished up after high school (I didn’t go to actual college for 18 months after high school anyway) and still gone to regular college, but at least I would’ve had some sort of accreditation and could have worked more regular jobs through and after college, since my PoliSci degree has brought me NOTHING despite me trying to get a salaried job for more than 2 years. I may still entertain the idea. But I don’t know… I am good with makeup, but I’m not an artist or a chemist. And I don’t want to take on loans… and even if I get licensed, the job market is STILL hit-or-miss, and I don’t want to deal with the potential cattiness of makeup artists (I’ve been lucky with my store that everyone’s pretty chill). I just don’t know. I feel the older I get, the less direction my life has.
Loading comments...