Am I just a big faker? Do I make too much fuss about nothing? Maybe I just WANT to be sick so I don't have to do anything... Maybe I'm just lazy... Maybe I just need to suck it up and try harder and quit my selfish whining... John has to get up and go to work every day and just ignore how much he hurts... what gives me the right to sit at home and do nothing and say 'I can't do it'? I feel like I'm the most selfish person on earth to make him take care of me while I do nothing.
My joints don't hurt much this week, but I've had a headache all week long. I thought it might be from the asthma meds but it's back today and I haven't used the inhaler since last night. It's probably hormonal - more often than not I have a headache to some degree during that one week of the month. Can't really complain about it - it's not as if it's migraine-level. I very rarely have that degree of pain, most of the time it's just a regular old-fashioned headache. My lungs are doing better. Yesterday was rough but I'm okay today. If the headache would go away, I'd be fine.
I think I need to force myself to try harder to be normal. I'm tired of the eighty-year-olds being able to do more than I can in exercise class... I'm tired of the cane... I'm tired of prescriptions we can't afford to fill... do I really need any of them at all? What would happen if I just tossed them away????? And I'm frustrated as all get out that I've had to waste the last week 'resting' just because I went away for the weekend and came home sick. I had so much to do to get ready for christmas and I haven't had the energy to do any of it. This happens everytime I push myself to do something and I'm sick of it! A day or so of 'out of the routine' and I have to spend a week resting to get over it. And if I do too much today to try to make up for it, I'll just add another couple of days of 'doing nothing' to the end. John tells me that all the time and much as I loathe to admit it, he's right... Saturday I felt better so I did laundry and bought groceries and cooked dinner and did this and that and Sunday I could barely walk across a room or get down the stairs to go to church because my stupid lungs were on strike again. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I can't go away for two days without needing a week's rest, how can I ever do a 'real' job? I'm pathetic...
But I'm not sick enough to be disabled... so I need to quit whining about it. Nobody wants to hear.
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