Not my father's son in Bookish Stuff

I just need to put this somewhere.

I’m not a huge biography person, I don’t even like non-fic that much, preferring to get lost in the fantasy worlds of fiction… But this book by Alan Cumming.. Who I don’t even know that much about is shaking me to my core.

He talks about his life with an abusive father and it is just amazing to me… That he can talk about it! What power! What truth and honesty! Granted, he’s been through a lot of therapy, a lot of shame and dysfunction and fear and anxiety… But the truth is shattering me.. That he can say “my violent father..” Or “my father was a terrible person..” And it’s in writing, for everyone to read, and that he acknowledges that he was a victim but has survived.

When I talk to people about Tony… Not even about That Terrible Thing but just about him in general, the hitting, the mental mind fucks, the beatings of my mom, the affairs.. When I tell people, I always feel like I am waving a hand in front of my face to shoo away a fly, as if I am simultaneously saying “it’s not big deal. I’m over it” while I tell them, not lending it any of the weight it deserves. Like I have to yell at them that I am okay, I am strong, it didn’t effect me, when it did, it shaped everything about me.. Everything.

It shaped how I parent, who I looked for to be my partner, how I take care of myself, or don’t, my house, my anger, my anxiety, my fear, my triumph, my friends, where I live, the secrets I keep, why I journal, what I say, everything.. It infiltrated everything and I swept in under the rug even while I talked about it. Even here, the only place I have ever truthfully laid it all down, the violence, the sexual abuse, the emotionally destruction…

The idea that someone got to the point where they could lay it out For the World and step through the shame and the humiliation and the pain of it instead of side stepping or ignoring it and say “yes, this happened, this is how it changed me, this is the result, this is what I need from My People now, and this is how I overcame…” It has fully blown my mind wide open.

To think I could look someone in the eye and say that Tony was who he was, and that it is not because of me, it’s not my fault.. I guess that I still have some work to do in that area, and maybe the most painful thing now, is that because I haven’t spoken to him in almost 15 years.. Half my life… That I may never get that closure I so desperately ignore, but so obviously want.

Can not recommend this book highly enough.