Work has been so too busy to do anything, though since I ended up having to work from home on Friday, I totally could have gotten on here then. Well, I'm a slacker, no new thing there. I owe everyone an update on how things are with Tim, and I don't even remember the last thing I wrote but he went back to work and made it through the week without any more incidents of the ER, though he continues to have chest pain. It seems like it might be a little better, but then they added like 5 new medicines for him to take so there is THAT. He is having another cardiac catheterization today at 6:30am and of course I am stuck at work until 7 and then doing kid stuff until Savino leaves for school at 8:20 though I may see if I can drop him off at Eleni's earlier so I can go to the hospital. I tried to sleep all day yesterday so that I can handle being up for 24+ hours, but I did arrange to be off work tonight so that I can crash hard when all this is done.
So here's the deal, they'll do the cath and if he needs stents (fingers crossed that he does not!), they'll put them in then and there and he will be admitted and then transferred to the other hospital in town (because our stupid ass insurance won't cover an admission to that hospital, whatever) overnight or for however long. I just hope that he doesn't need stents. He may be off work Thursday too depending on what happens if they don't put stents in, he is not supposed to lift anything more than 5 lbs for like a week which is difficult when you work in the OR. Stress is eating my stomach every week with him missing so much work because his paychecks will be taking a huge hit. I don't know how bad it will be until this weekend when we see how much time he had to cover the week +2 days that he was out of work. I guess it's just a good thing that our paychecks alternate weeks so that there's a payday every Friday but it still sucks to happen right at Christmas. I really hate that I am even stressed about this right now, but it is what it is.
I was doing fine with all of this until tonight when I had this gut wrenching moment when I thought about what if something happens during the cath and he, like, bleeds out or something? I don't really think that would happen, I have myself pretty convinced that they will find nothing wrong with him since his blood pressure is good, he has had no signs of cardiac stress in his bloodwork or EKG's, etc. This all really is just a "ruling things out" type of deal, but there was still that moment of, what would I do without him? How would I raise these kids without him? I am a catastrophizer (is that a word? It should be) so I already know that I would sell everything, find a job in Florida and MOVE and let my family help me out, but just the thought of that, it is heart stopping (no pun intended).
And there's the other side of it that says, when they find that there's nothing wrong with his arteries or heart, then what? How will they treat this incessant chest pain? He is on SO MANY medications. Like, it is insane watching him put all his pills together for the week. I have told him over and over that if he would just lose like 50 pounds, he would probably feel SO much better and could stop taking at least half of them. He's all "yeah, yeah" but he won't commit to any type of health improvement right now. I don't know, maybe him having to have this procedure that he loathes so much will inspire him to do whatever it takes to NOT have to go through with it, but I don't know. I'm just, like, at the point where I want to say to him, do this for yourself or I'm leaving. Not really, but maybe that would motivate him? It's just tough being in this place of watching your partner be in pain constantly, and not be able to do anything about it other than stuff your feelings down. I feel like I can't even express my anger over this whole situation because it only stresses him out more and that aggravates the chest pain and here we go again on this wonderful fucking merry go round. I know that he sees that this situation is just as stressful for me, I am dealing with working 9 hr days and then coming home and dealing with the kids and the bills and the house, and him not being able or willing really to help out with it all, and he feels guilty, but guilty doesn't take the trash out or fix the leak in the roof or any of the other fifteen million things that have just piled up around our ears. I don't vent. I don't yell. I sublimate it all.
I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that there is literally two weeks until Christmas. We have not even begun to think about putting a tree up, or decorations at all. I need to wrap and buy Christmas presents. I need to purge my house, which has become this PIT. I have a 600 sq. ft room that has become this epic junk pit. It is so out of control. Anything we don't use, decorations, furniture that has no home, toys that don't get played with, etc. is just all dumped in there along with a ton of Haley's crap that she has abandoned. It is driving me insane. And I am coming to realize that I am going to have to be responsible for doing EVERYTHING. I need to just woman-up and figure out what needs to be done and just do it. It's not going to happen otherwise. That just sucks, but it is what it is.
I'm sorry this is such a bummer of an update. I swear, I am going to do something other than bitch and moan one of these days. My good thing for today is that we finally FINALLY had a slow night at work, so I have been catching up reading friends (there was 21 updates when I logged in tonight, do you know how incredibly AWESOME it is to see all of you over here?!) and I am going to work on Lucas' cross stitch (that I started, what, three four months ago?) and brace myself for the day ahead of me. My goal today is 1) Tim making it home from this procedure without being admitted, 2) cook a dinner that my family will actually be excited to eat (ahahahaha, good one!), and 3) figure out how to take the window a/cs out of the windows since Tim never got around to it and it's going to be 14 fucking degrees on Thursday and THAT IS RIDICULOUS. My only concern is that I don't drop one out of a window trying to get it out. Pray for me!
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