Here I am! Albeit briefly.
I have mixed feelings about posting an entry. On the one hand, I want to immortalize these moments forever, because I WILL forget it… and on the other hand, I’m such a mess of changing emotions I’m not sure I wanna document them all.
My emotions change a zillion times a day, but three are pretty much constant: I adore my kid, I love my parents (who help me sooo much), and I feel guilty. About what, you may ask? About EVERYTHING. Not all the time, but at least once a day I have an overwhelming since of guilt. Sometimes it’s about not following through with Daniel’s routines the way I should… sometimes it’s because I’m secretly hoping he’ll go to sleep soon so I can have some me time… sometimes it’s because I don’t hold him enough, or because I hold him TOO much… you get the picture.
Motherhood has basically made me lose it. Now… it’s not like I’m a nervous wreck all the time, but I do feel guilty about pretty much everything regarding my baby… when before I used to be a pretty laid back guy (well, girl). I dunno if this ever goes away. I’m learning to deal with it.
I don’t wanna feel like I’m just “surviving” each day, you know? I really do enjoy it, even if it’s stressful sometimes.
Don’t think I’m making any sense. That’s what comes from writing from the heart and not from your head. LOL.
My maternity leave is up on January 20th. That’s like… a week from now :(. Thank God I can take my vacation days right afterwards. I’m so not ready for this to end. It’s been almost six months… but it’s not nearly enough! I can’t stand the thought of not being with him 24/7 (which basically goes against everything I stand for, LOL).
Strait jacket anyone??
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