I graduated from college with my Bachelor’s in Marketing this past Spring. I’ve been really busy ever since between visiting friends I’ve had to kind of put off on spending time with and job-hunting. Last week, I accepted a job with a large bank in their fraud department. I’m taking a $.60/hr pay-cut, but I’ll be working more hours and I’ll get benefits as well as have more potential for raises so I think it’s a good decision all-in-all.
Aside from all that, I’m helping my dad start his new business and he just keeps giving me little projects left and right. Because I work for my mom at State Farm, they’ve allowed me to work on his stuff while I’m there too, but I’ve hardly had anytime between training (both new and long time employees) and trying to tie up the loose-ends so it will be a smooth transition when I leave. I helped my dad get his trademark/patent and have mostly been working on the shipping details other than that.
It’s a lot of stress I’ve been under between everything – including the pressure of not finding work as quickly as I’d hoped and not finding anything that will pay as good as I’d hoped. There has been so much to consider and now that I’m done with school, it seems as though everyone in my life feels it’s their prerogative to fill my time how THEY see fit. Recently, I’ve started trying to focus more of my free-time on doing things that make me feel happy, fulfilled, and at peace within myself. I’ve gotten back into reading more and now I think to do some more writing like I used to would be extremely helpful. I guess I had gotten to a place where I didn’t feel like I needed it like I had. I think it’s always healthy to get your ideas out and on paper and by going without it for too long, I can tend to feel like a piece of me is missing.
I need to adjust some things with my workout to jazz that up again so I can get back on a more consistent schedule with that too. I just feel like a lazy, fat, slob right now. Like I want to do nothing. There is a gym at the new place I’ll be working as part of my benefit package too (I start in a month) so I’m sure I’ll start going there on some sort of a routine too.
I am really happy that I will be able to get rid of the pressure that has come with working for my family. It’s been a lot all these years. The newest guy we have there is exhausting also so I’ll be happy to get away from him ;-p
Then, on the other hand it’s very sad because I’ll miss working with my mom and I’ll miss the relaxed atmosphere (which I will also in a lot of ways NOT miss because it gets old working your ass off and having everyone else feel relaxed about it, at times). I guess I just have a lot of mixed emotions about it, yet know in my heart it’s what I need to do. I can tell my parents still don’t get it and they probably never will. I’m just not at the point where I want to own my own company, I want set hours and when I get done, I want to be done and on my own program. This company offers a lot of work from home and they are well-known for treating their employees well (in terms of pay, benefits, and room for growth) so I wish they would just be happy for me. All I ever get is them acting like they know something I don’t and then I just doubt myself because I think of the times they have been right in the past. And my grandma has become so manipulative. Actually, I don’t think she’s become manipulative, I think that since my grandpa passed away, she’s just re-focused it onto the rest of us. It’s hard because she puts me in between her and my parents in terms of money and what they do with the house up north.
I’ve not been thrilled in my relationship/home life lately for numerous reasons that I may blow out of proportion because I’m to feeling balanced or I’m not currently participating in healthy routines/habits. Today, for example, we weren’t able to come up with any Halloween parties between the two of our friends so I’m not really feeling inclined to go out downtown because it’s lame with just the two of us and because I’m to the point where I feel like I’m really old going down there on Halloween – it’s chaotic and expensive also. Well, Seren loves dressing up so he wants to go out. Fine. I can do that. But, we can’t watch a fucking show I want to watch in the meantime? There is just no compromise anywhere and I’m tired of it. Then, our sleeping situation sucks ass. I admit it, I snore and I’m really heavy sleeper. Seren is the lightest sleeper I’ve ever met so we are not a good combo in that area. We deal with it somehow, but this week he woke me up yelling at me about keeping my phone charging in the other room when I went to sleep on the couch (which sometimes he does when my snoring keeps him up and which I do when I tire of feeling like I’m sleeping on eggshells). Apparently, my phone kept beeping during the night; I had one text and one email that appeared to have come through, but I’m sure I have shit like that every night. A) Don’t blow shit out of proportion, and B) Do not ever wake me up like that.
I’m still pissed, 3 days later.
But, then there are things I’m happy about in the relationship too so I can’t make it out like it’s all bad. He cooks for me a lot and every now and then is willing to compromise. I’m pretty easy-going, but eventually, the lack of compromise makes me bitter.
I guess I just don’t know what to do or where to make the adjustments I need to make in my life exactly, but I know I need to do something. I’m not ever the type of person to rush into a huge decision so knowing myself like I do, I’ll start by doing some things that make me feel at peace, get going in my new job, and once that stabilizes, if I still feel like I need to make a more drastic change, then I’ll do it at that time. Wow, I’ve forgotten how writing it out can really help to put things into perspective, it always amazes me once I get back into my ramblings :)
Now, I just will have to keep up on it…
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