Have actually been working.... well.... not a lot, but quite a bit more than I had been.
Went to King’s Island the day before Halloween with Amanda… had a REALLY good time. Rides weren’t as crowded as last year and she sprung for the super awesome ride pass, so we didn’t have to await and the mazes with “skeleton key rooms” (5 of them), with one exception it was just the two of us. We got put in a coffin, I ate a cricket, and Amanda was stolen from me while I was blindfolded and jumped out at me later. Kinky, yeah ?
Earlier that same day I went to the gynecologist. Basically she referred me to a specialist for endometriosis (since I don’t have one here) and thinks that my severe pain is linked to that. But knowing my history, she did mention that we need to be careful. So I was prescribed a pain reliever (one I’ve never taken before and I think is making me sick) and I’m still waiting on my referral to go through. She said about 2 weeks… so hopefully I will get a call this week and be able to see someone before Thanksgiving. Cori’s brother may be visiting then.
I actually do like my job. I just wish the hours could be counted upon… I don’t know what’s going to happen after the holidays. I noticed a seasonal worker was hired for skincare, which is odd because most seasonal people (no matter what experience they have) are hired for cashier positions and THEN moved to a “world” within the store. Had a talk with Sherrie. She said that she thinks I have more of a selling knowledge base than some of the other people in skincare and that she wishes I had more hours. She may be right… I love Karina but I think she still doesn’t know about as many products as I do. And Monica, she’s awesome too, but whenever she is in skin, she constantly finds a way (I’ve witnessed it–she does look for people outside skin) to put makeup on people. I’ve never once seen her sell skincare to anyone, just makeup. She really should be in color, I think it’s her passion. And hey, I love makeup too, but I really do enjoy skin. I just wish I had more projects on days we’re slow.
Anyway… I also talked with Nicole at work about kids. She’s almost 25 and has been married for nearly 3 years. With the exception of Heather (mostly because I’m so close to her, and have been for so long), I just get so annoyed when I hear… things… I mean, it’s all on my end, I know. But there’s a point where I need to distance myself. I’ve been reading all these things titled like “Things Not To Say To a Woman Who Can’t Have Children” or “Things Infertile Women Hate The Most” or “Top 10 Things People Who Can’t Have Their Own Kids Can’t Stand.” And yet, I also accept and understand that a pregnancy is usually a good thing and I don’t want to rain on someone’s parade. But it’s just hard. I find myself tuning out most of the time. There’s a girl at work who’s pregnant and her due date is my birthday and I’m just like “Ughhhhhhh.” We all just found out but every time I hear about it I’m just like… full of anger and jealousy. Plus from what I hear, the guy she’s with has TWO kids from TWO different other women (neither of whom he was married to) and she’s only been seeing this guy for less than a year. But whatever. Not my life. Not my child.
Cori’s been asking about it lately. Not directly… but he’ll mention it. I still haven’t received a call back about a new counselor so maybe I should call them on Monday. This is one thing that’s been weighing on me for quite a while now and with this newish pain I’ve been having, part of me fears the worst, so I’m projecting that onto everything else.
I’ve become such a jealous person as I’ve become older, especially when it comes to people younger than I am and seeing them way more “together” than I am. Elizabeth at work got engaged like a week ago, and Nicole said her ring probably cost a third of her house. I glanced at this ring on Elizabeth’s finger (normally I don’t notice wedding or engagement rings) and if this thing is real, Nicole is right. It was a Tiffany ring, for one, and probably 3 carats. I also heard her telling someone else that the band is covered in tiny diamonds. Obviously the price of a diamond is affected by several things, but Nicole thought it might be a $35,000 ring. And her fiance is 24 or something. And she’s 23. Do I need a $35k ring ? Hell no. Let me use that to pay off Cori’s school debt or put a down payment on a house. But again… this isn’t like, a well-established 35-something-year-old couple we’re talking about. But (and this isn’t how I used to be), I see this and all I think about is how I’ll be lucky to even get a ring. And while a ring may not itself be important, it’s relatively traditional and I’m half-traditional. But same thing with this girl at work (also another girl who was pregnant earlier in the year came in with her baby that she had a couple months ago), I see that her situation is precarious and yet she’s pregnant and even though that could spell a s**tstorm for her, I am full of angry jealousy because she can actually have a kid, even when she may not have wanted one.
And I know that’s bad of me. I should be sympathetic, even compassionate. But I’m not. Same thing when I hear stories from people who have been revived from a heroin overdose with Narcan 3, 4, 5 times. I’m not compassionate. I feel like it should be “one and done” with Narcan. I understand I haven’t lived their life, but I’ve been through a TON of bad sh*t in my own life and I never resorted to drugs or alcohol… that’s a conversation Cori and I have on occasion and I just can’t see his side of the matter (he’s more sympathetic to them). Like one of his clients is a girl who used cocaine and was apparently clean for a few months and relapsed, so she hasn’t been coming to her appointments. I just… I hear that and roll my eyes, I really do. I’ve KNOWN people personally who have battled with it, and I’m STILL not sympathetic. I’m just not. I feel like I’ve become so cold.
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