I don’t believe this failed attempt at journaling is still here. I can’t believe I’m here.
After my mother passed away I dubbed 2015 as “Deathwish 2015,” and blew the insurance money on gambling, men and drugs. At least, I think it was 2015, my timeline gets skewed. Reading the contents of this diary I can see that not much has changed. And yet, everything has.
I quit my cush job as being the tribal genealogist/librarian for the Muscogee Creek Nation. Not only did I fuck it off once, but I did it twice. I suppose it was to make sure it was something I really wanted to fuck off. I’m never sure; I’ve never walked in confidence when it comes to being an adult.
Finally, and I mean FINALLY, I thought I was dying. Not from a cirrhotic liver, but from appendicitis. Initially I thought I ate too much. But on the off chance my internal organs were rupturing, I called 911. It wasn’t my appendix, but the unveiling of Hepatitis C rearing it’s ugly head. The smell of ammonia was strong wherever I walked and I was told that I had only a year left to get there so I better quicken my pace.
That was the second time I fucked off my job. I submitted my resignation using the hospital’s wireless fidelity and immediately regretted it. “But I was kidding. I’m not dying. I want to come back.” The third time was not charming, but desperate.
But since I had a year left, I moved out of the Urban Hang Suite, my tiny studio in the clouds. Since I had a year left, I regaled myself in the first relationship that was offered. I didn’t want to die alone, and it didn’t matter that my chosen suitor was heterosexual, or schizophrenic.
As things ago, I didn’t die. It’s now been two years. I’m still unemployed save for the occasional foray into hand bag design (how fantastic and how gay!), I’ve since gotten rid of the straight boyfriend (how fantastic and how gay!) and I’m homeless. I’ve used up one sofa or another starting at my sister’s and now ending at my dear friend Jeni’s. This diary has come full circle in just two entries.
For my last act I have found God, I have found my timelines intersecting with parallel universes, I’m blossoming with homicidal ideation and I’ve decided there will be no further stops for me.
This is it.
-j.
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