The meeting with my current (but now former) counselor wasn’t too bad. It was nice to have Cori with me for support.
I’ve been sort of an emotional wreck lately, though. I don’t know how Cori stands me, as he has just been supportive and loving even when I’m upset for no reason–and also when I’m upset for specific reasons.
The weekend with my parents was really nice. I miss them. It always goes too fast. I was able to walk Evie in our neighborhood and I actually spent Friday and Saturday night at the hotel with them. Sunday night we brought Dewey’s pizza home to the apartment and it was great.
Friday morning I have a check up with my gynecologist. Basically my period never stopped and I’ve been back on the pill (after the placebos) for three days. That actually happened after I made the appointment but I am just having this awful sharp pain in my abdomen… the same sort of pain I had when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Could be nothing, but… better safe. I may need a referral if she sees something bad. So I may have that to deal with…
Beyond that, Cori has been gently encouraging me to seek a psychiatrist for anti-depression medication. I’ve been avoiding it because I hate the idea of being dependent upon pills and would rather fix it internally. I really don’t want to go on medication even more now, though, after all the “issues” Cori was having due to Cymbalta (I wrote about it a long time ago). Without any TMI, basically, it made intimacy extremely difficult. He was weaned off the medicine over the last several months, and the problem is pretty much solved. He is still taking a couple other meds, but they are different than Cymbalta. But I don’t want the same thing to happen to me.
But yeah, things have just been awful. I’ve been crying a lot, upset, sometimes for no reason. I’m in pain, I’m full of anger about a few things, and I’m afraid my emotions are going to push Cori away. He’s been so… accepting that it’s scary and I wonder if one day he will just say “That’s it.” I still try to be good to him… he’s so busy with school and work and his internship, I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a break. And if I do ask him to do something, he does it, which is helpful. But sometimes I think he’s too good to me and I just worry. I’m always worried about losing the good things I have.
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